Flashbacks Hit Hard, but I Forced My Way Back to Work Mode

ஜனவரி 17, 2020

Flashbacks hit me early, but I still forced myself into work mode, trying to stay functional through memory spikes, calls, and the pressure to keep moving forward.

11:15 AM

✈️😲‼️beautiful jet! Singapore government bought an Aston Martin equivalent instead of a mediocre car for the people's future security 😬

11:30 AM

Wed 15 Jan

7:30 a.m.

I experienced disturbed sleep. I woke up to a few bad flashbacks. This can happen. I was feeling depressed. It can happen. I'm feeling very negative about Sri Lanka. But I just remind myself I'm better off than virtually everyone. I have great opportunity, and I'm lucky.

Even if my█████████████broke my elbow. It healed perfectly. I understood his character. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It's just that I learned that's his character and I won't ever save him even if I can.

7:45 a.m.

I also had flashbacks related to how ████████████████ ████████████████.███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

8:00 a.m.

My feet are a bit scratchy. Previously it was my left foot. Now, the left foot stopped scratching, and the right foot became a bit scratchy. It's unlikely to be diabetes. But it could just be normal scratching. My cousin told me he suffers the same. It must be normal. I'll show a doctor or something.

I need to pay my phone bill today. I think as it's a bank holiday, I can see a GP or OPD.████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

8:30 a.m.

I think it must be hell elsewhere too. Singapore just has a quick justice system. I'm just very frustrated because people here aren't clever or demanding or have good values.

12:45 p.m.

I feel a lot better now. Jeez, haha flashbacks ruin my mood. I think when I wake up from nightmares or flashbacks or intrusive memories, I get very angry. I cool down after a bit. I'm positive. I did some great work. I'm looking to sell a very great product close to my heart in Sri Lanka.

1:45 p.m.

I have a headache and I think depression. I'm getting a lot of flashbacks today. I'm irritable. I feel like throwing up. I'm going to try do something. I'm watching Boardwalk Empire, but my attention is fragmented. I can't pay attention. I keep getting flashbacks.

███████████████████████████████████ I need the dopamine. This disastrous place has really gotten to me and harmed my health. It's so sad. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

3:30 p.m.

I had some potato wedges. I spilled some tomato sauce on my t shirt. I'm watching Boardwalk Empire. I'll be okay. I'm doing better. I hate it when I get flashbacks and wake up. My life is a mess. I'll be okay. My head is hurting. I think it's just PTSD.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. I washed the tomato sauce off as well as I could, then threw it in the laundry bin. I have such a bad headache. I'll just watch this Boardwalk Empire.

3:45 p.m.

I got a lot of flashbacks today. I dunno what to do. I need a therapist, but there's nobody here. I don't have any relief. I'll need money and then escape Sri Lanka and get help. I couldn't afford therapy in England. I'll need better therapists. I'm very frustrated in Sri Lanka. ████████████ I'm watching Boardwalk Empire and thinking of traumatic events.

5:15 p.m.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I hate it haha. It's the worst habit.

5:30 p.m.

██████████████████████████ I'm glad it's not substance abuse or alcoholism or drug addiction or anything. This is actually a pretty good problem to have. It's just imperfection. I can't have that. I have a serious headache today. I wonder how to get $10,000 to pay for this Dialog project. I need to do a POC as Sierra is unhappy to pay for this.

M█████████████████████████████broke my elbow on purpose. I keep getting flashbacks about it. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

5:45 p.m.

I don't think my younger brother Milan is an evil jealous brother. He's a cool guy. He's innocent. My mum was banging his door to check where he was. █████████████████████████████████████. I love my precious younger little brother. I will help him become successful.

6:00 p.m.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I'm all about progress and good, correct things. I regretted smoking cigarettes and drinking with my cousins. I like smoking, but I know it's wrong, so, I never really want to do it. I'll just say I don't like it -- next time.

Or more accurately, I like it, but I don't do it because it's not good for me. G-d I love to burst the menthol bubble in the Dunhill switch and to take in that cold air into my lungs. I think I only smoke like 20 cigarettes, or 10 cigarettes per year. ███████████████████████████████████████████

I stole my family's Orange effervescent drink. I'm going to drink up my vitamin C drink soon. I love it. I love tasty drinks and my favourite alcoholic beverages.

6:45 p.m.

I want to go to Franklin's BBQ. One day, I'll go there. I don't know, i love BBQ. I don't understand why I'm not eating the foods i like every day. I only want to eat fried up potato wedges with homemade mayonnaise. I think mayo costs Rs 500, or Rs 200 to make at home.

11:30 AM (b)

Thu 16 Jan

9:30 a.m.

I just woke up. My throat is dry. I think the air conditioning drives me out. I'm going to work on my new Golf Papa project. I think I can make $10,000 to pay for the Proof of Value on behalf of Dialog Axiata PLC or other enterprise customers.

10:00 a.m.

This is the kind of s*** that even Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg had to do. He had to get servers to do business. I think he rented servers for like $500. I'm paying about $70/ hour of penetration testing. 150 hours is $10,000.

I'm happy. This is what makes me happy. I like this stuff. I think that Thilanga uncle might be able to get $10,000 to pay for this. Or Jagath uncle. But I'll try to split it in half. I'll try get Ruchira Yasaratne in the meeting with Thilanga uncle to see if Dialog can pay or make it a conditional POC/ POV.

10:30 a.m.

I'm watching Boardwalk Empire. I'm trying to see Indrajith Jayaratne and Ayesha Weerasinghe at Sumathi Info Tech about appointing them as a distributor. I'll try talk to Thilanga uncle about $10,000. But more importantly, we need some sort of guarantee from Ruchira Yasaratne.

11:00 a.m.

I'm likely to see Indrajith Jayaratne tomorrow afternoon. Ayesha Weerasinghe will check and confirm. I'm a bit tired today. I need to cut my nails. They're not overgrown. But I like to keep my nails short. I also need a haircut. When my hair is too long, it feels stuffy.

I also bit my tongue at the left back, when I was chowing down on fried cuttlefish last night from Great Wall restaurant. Ouch! I'm watching Boardwalk Empire. I like this. I think I liked The Sopranos most though. I like simple, high quality content. Sopranos beat Games of Thrones in my book.

My writing is very simple. It's free. Or maybe, given how I restricted my audience to only friends, it's the most expensive written content available to read. I love it, very high quality, top notch stuff. I need to brush my teeth.

2:00 p.m.

I had potato wedges and pork sausages for lunch. I'm getting sick of this type of food. I'll probably go back to Sri Lankan food for a bit. It's healthier. I think I would be okay with sugary donuts all the time, but that's very unhealthy.

I made minor removals from what I had written yesterday morning after I saw it wouldn't help change her permanent life decision. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ This is stuff Lee Kuan Yew's written and believed, and I just adopted those views. I think these ideas make sense.

2:15 p.m.

I saw Boardwalk Empire season 2. I'll start season 3. I think I'm to see Indrajith Jayaratne tomorrow morning. I have some plans. We anyway need to cooperate as customers need us to. I'm friendly with Jit Warnakulasuriya and Suresh Wijesinghe. I'm going to take a nap soon. I'm really sleepy these few days.

7:30 p.m.

I have decided to close this matter. I can only advise, I do it objectively and I always side with people and support the decisions they make based on the reasons they make those decisions.

8:15 p.m.

Jeez, I have racist opinions. I think they're based on cherry picked evidence. I'm watching Boardwalk Empire. I love this. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ There's stigma. I bet I'll face racism for being brown too. It's not fair. I can't believe how these racist beliefs formed. I need to get rid of these racist opinions as much as possible.

I don't know. I can't believe Lee Kuan Yew believed racist things about ████████████████████as his family ██████████████████advised her to dump him in America. I'll just try to believe in her and trust her judgement with her own life. She's gone anyway. I should forget about her.

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████It's all there is to the story. I forgive her. I have my defences. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

8:30 p.m.

I'm watching Boardwalk Empire. I love this show. This Tutankhamun dance is crazy. I hate how poor quality the TV and movie content in Sri Lanka and Asia is compared to America's content. I only watch US content.

11:30 p.m.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

11:45 p.m.

I'm tired. Need to sleep. Things are going well.

11:45 AM

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

Voltaire

...

I don't like what Voltaire said about certain things, I think he was full of it, but I like how he also agreed business is my religion. 📢🤭‼️

12:00 PM

Seems like a terrific guy. I liked to read this. Thanks for sharing.‼️🥇👏🙃🏆🤭 I'm a bit too cash poor to become a Straits Times or Financial Times subscriber, but I expect to close deals and get money to subscribe. I'm only a poor widow's son :( :'( , I'm just 26 :) , but I get a lot of confidence when big people like you (Temasek CEO) or a $200bn revenue CEO open up. I get to learn how you think. That's something money can't buy and something you can't find anywhere else.

12:00 PM (b)

Globalization involves NZ partnering with other countries to lead sustainable growth and environmental protection efforts. Even if they plant trees, it's just a dent on climate change car crash waiting to happen. Leadership is about planting trees elsewhere to make an air bag impact to save us from the collision.

3:00 PM

Fri 17 Jan

3:00 p.m.

I'll wait for this meeting with Indrajith and see what happens.

5:00 p.m.

We talked for 2 hours. Our Sierra project is going well, I'll cut Sumathi Info Tech in on it because they're a family owned company that can help with this big undertaking and to close deals. I'm happy with the way it's going.

Next week, Dialog's planning to meet me. I'll try to somehow get a conditional POC or negotiate for a paid POC as we need to pay experts to carry out 150 hours of manual penetration testing work.

I'll talk to Thilanga uncle about getting a permit to import liquor to do my Golf Papa project.

5:15 p.m.

I'm a bit concerned about bad karma in selling alcohol. I dunno. I'm a bit sad. But there's no harm in the wine I'm selling because it's just wine. It's not like I'm killing anyone or any animals. It's a relatively harmless act. I must be Buddha one day, and I don't want any bad karma f***ing it up for me.

6:00 p.m.

I can just invest our profit to distribute alcohol too. It's a great business. I just need to somehow get a liquor import permit. I'm looking at getting 120 bottles down. I'm going to probably earn quite a bit, I'll cut Thilanga uncle in on the deal and pay him 25% to motivate him to get a permit for me from PM Rajapaksa.

I only want to sell 1 alcohol product which I enjoy the most. I love this alcohol. It's my favourite. Golf Papa. I also want to invest in building ammunition. So, I'll look forward to meeting Dialog next week. Indrajith will try talk to Supun and Sandra.

I already talked to Dr Hans Wijayasuriya. He's nodded. When I see Chaminda, I'll see what IT assets we can protect, we'll make a list and see what assets we can protect. It's important for me to incentivise and motivate Ruchira Yasaratne and Srinath Wijayakumara to get the project approved.

Anyway, Indrajith promised to give us the majority of the deal, and at most split 50 -- 50 on earnings. I think it's okay. I believe in partnership. It reduces our risks. I think I'll need them dealing with Dialog. Dialog Axiata can get difficult. What if they do a POC or pen test and not pay us? It's a $10,000 loss for us.

This is where we're going to need to very carefully talk to Ruchira, escalate the project, influence Supun and Pradeep and Sandra and see if we can make it work. Rockland is an alcoholic beverages competitor to me. They've got many products, I only have and want one.

I'll need to get uncle Thilanga to influence the Ministry of Finance people to help me get a liquor import permit. I don't know. Anyway, for political activity, he needs alcohol, I'll be able to supply at cost to anybody.

6:45 p.m.

The thing is that ███████████ is evil. You don't want to be a ████████. Those people are most likely exploited. They get diseases. It sucks. I love beef, it tastes good. But it sucks to see a cow get killed. It's the worst thing you can see happen. It's part of the deal, you cause a death.

But I don't want this kind of evil in my life. I try to reject it and avoid it and get it off my life. I just don't like it. When I was small, I saw my dad bought 100s of macaws. I thought it was cruel. I decided they're animals. But I knew it was wrong. You're caging animals.

7:00 p.m.

It could be. I don't hate it. I think I just don't want it in my life. It's like smoking or alcohol, I don't want it out of moderation controlling my life. Once a day is too much. I need to get rid of it. I'll just block out any electronics use over the weekend to prevent access.

The promise is forever. It's why according to my religion, Freemasonry is so important, I promise blood oaths. I promise under penalty of death on the bible. This is what keeps me alive. It's what I like to play with. These are the stakes I want to play with.

No matter what, my blood oaths and death penalty -- it will always be there, I can not be a Mason, but I can never leave Freemasonry. I shouldn't have shook his third world thug retardo hand. But, I did because I thought it was the right thing to do. I must stand by it. I just don't like double crossing anybody. My word is my bond.

10:00 p.m.

Partners don't offer free services anymore to anyone, not even Dialog. I'm sure it'll work out well. We'll reach a good outcome. Sierra is scared Dialog Axiata won't pay, so they think if they're serious, they'll pay. I'll try get it escalated.

This is less expensive than to fail. It's less expensive than to give up equity. This is the best option: to give Sumathi Info Tech half our earnings depending on how much we'll need them. I need to see what'll happen. I'm going to sleep. I'm tired.

I'm going to try see if I can singlehandedly convince Dialog to pay for a trial pen test. If they decline, I'll use SIT to pressure them. If that doesn't work, I'll appeal to Dr Hans Wijayasuriya to intervene. If that doesn't work, we'll just sell something else to them.

5:00 PM

🥇

6:15 PM

China's got to spy just because everyone else is spying on China. It's the way it is. I hope nobody is seriously punished for it.

6:45 PM

I think you could do a better job as HK CEO. ‼️👏🥇😲😬 I learn to be a good CEO from you

3:15 AM

I'd rather donate $1 to invest in better accountable leaders for this country because then they wouldn't have this problem. There's no transparency or system in place to grow foods. If the people keep choosing poor leaders, then it's better if better leaders were picked. It's very sad.

3:30 AM

Sat 18 Jan

3:15 a.m.

I'm thinking it's a good idea to use Sumathi Info Tech to market Sierra to enterprise customers. We're virtually unknown and we've been targeted, attacked and I think blacklisted due to personal opinions of ██████████████████at Union Bank (resigned) and NDB. It's not a big deal. But it's clever to use SIT to tackle these 2 and also NTB and People's Bank.

Dialog we may be able to protect by ourselves. But it's too much risk. I don't know Ruchira Yasaratne so well. That Sierra project probably won't work. This is because their CTO Pradeep most likely gave an instruction to not commit or do a conditional POC. It's likely bullshit. They're likely to be doing it to get a free service.

Still, I don't know for sure. It's hard to judge or perceive their true motives. For all I know, they may be being honest. I'll have to tell the story it's a pen test and I have to pay $10,000 for 150 hours of gruelling manual penetration testing to our expert security researchers who protected Telefonica O2, Etisalat and Saudi Telecom. I can use SIT's people to try persuade Dialog Axiata to pay for this. It's always generally good to consolidate with bigger companies like SIT.

The reason we got big is because we pay per project approved and we just appointed account managers to all 23 enterprise customers. So, we got 23 account managers. We got about 10 IT guys who can handle technical requirements who need work. It's how it happened.

3:30 a.m.

SIT isn't 100% trustworthy. They've dodged calls in the past. It's a tricky one. But it's better than nothing. Our company just needs good relationships, to close deals and revenue. We'll just use them.

I don't have a good opinion of ████████, the guy's not a good guy, he wants to fight. I don't think it's wise to have drama. I think it's better if it's just a one sided drama from him. We anyway do business with the institution. There's cheap, crazy people out there who are jealous and hateful. It's the way it is. He's probably just jealous and so, doesn't want to do his duty. There's always been plenty of people like him.

Indrajith knows SLT group CIO Saman Perera. We can try to get a presentation done. I think he knows Rajeev at NDB, somebody at People's Bank, Sampath Bank's people, etc. I think everyone. They're the ones who work with them usually. I should use them. It's better than working with JIT or CIT as it's a family owned business. I think I need to step on the gas before SAT or other competitors become a problem.

3:45 a.m.

4:00 a.m.

I dunno. There's probably problems in every country. I think I learned. That's the important thing. Plus, I'm lucky I have people to work with on enterprise customers. This is a great way to get into the customers.

4:45 a.m.

I'm glad that I can write about my suffering over here on Facebook. I think I'll be okay. I have a lot of stuff and people on my side. I read about Othello's tragedy. There's drama. I need to just be wise and show compassion to everyone.

5:15 a.m.

I was thinking about how painful killing cows is. It's very painful. I hate the betrayal involved. I hate life. I hate how cruel the world is. I still eat beef. I tell myself this is the world. I feel sad about how Freemasons and Jews were murdered in WW2. It's a very cruel world.

5:30 a.m.

6:00 a.m.

I'm excited to get my first deal done. I'm impatient. I was thinking I need to never murder anybody, no matter what. This is key. I'm really sleepy or just tired. I struggle with sleep. I just get flashbacks and stuff all the time when stressed. It's a nightmare.

6:15 a.m.

I'm looking forward to getting business done with the banks. I started approaching Ashok Pathirage uncle. I hope it works on NDB. I think it's sad the place is not straightforward, but I'll just have to tolerate. There's no rule of law.

6:30 a.m.

I'm feeling sick. I have a slight cold developing. I was thinking of discontinuing relations with Aloka aunty, Raja uncle, Nayomi and Dilan. The reason is because I don't trust them. Raja uncle says one thing, but does something else. He's not loyal.

Why should I tolerate people like that? They anyway decided to escape Sri Lanka by going to the US although they didn't get why they escaped. They're Jagath uncle's friends. I dunno. Maybe, it's just meant to be that we end friendships. He's friends with Waruna and Sriyani aunt. I can't forgive them.

7:00 a.m.

For all I know, their approach makes sense. I gotta be tactful. But at the same time, I'm disappointed and sickened by how cheap they are as people. Why be friends with people who stole money from us? I hate people like that. I don't want them around. There's no telling when you can get lied to.

I sense that it's better to be friendly with Sriyani aunt or Waruna cousin, even just for face value. I don't know. It's a country which brings out the worst in people. It's a place where murder is nothing.

7:30 a.m.

I can't know for sure. I think I'll give them the benefit of doubt. I think I'll be okay. I was thinking about animal slaughter and karma and being reincarnated. I'm scared of it. I think it's just bullshit. I don't agree with Christians that animals don't have a spirit.

I think all animals have a spirit or Buddha nature. It's true. I've seen tamed pet alligators. I hate myself for eating meat. I need to justify by saying that anyway there's an animal cost to meat or plant foods. It's just the way it is.

8:00 a.m.

8:30 a.m.

1:00 p.m.

I'm getting hungry. I'm so sleepy and drowsy today. I wonder what's up.

1:30 p.m.

...

I miss Valerie

Valerie, call on me

Call on me, Valerie