Tea, Mozart, and a Quiet Internal Frustration

பிப்ரவரி 1, 2021

A short inward page about tea, Mozart, washing an irritated eye, and feeling internally frustrated, with the rest of the day mostly locked away from the visible surface.

1:30 PM

1:15 p.m.

When doing physical exercise, you must have a few minutes of rest between sets and repetitions. When doing high intensity training workouts, you do it 3 times a day, the rest of the week are rest days. I must rest or take a break too.

It is hard for me to see mental exhaustion. Mental stress levels are hard to measure, assess or record. I know there is limited emotional capital. When it runs out, you can no longer be patient and kind to people or tolerate people. It maybe why Democrats are more emotionally intelligent and responsible.

I remember in my private paid tuition economics class, the teacher said that 2 hours is enough, any more efforts or teaching is ineffective as the student will not learn anymore. I do not know for sure. I did not regularly attend school, so i therefore was not mentally exhausted when I was at the private external economics class. I could thereby study or learn more. It is interesting. I got like 80% for economics.

I think like Israel, I got tougher from the constant attacks. I do not agree with this. I worry that what does not kill you, makes you weaker in the words of Sheryl Sandberg. I may have learned enhanced resilience. Not attending school, I learned to find ways to survive or reach intended outcomes.

My mother was a submissive, uneducated and insecure housewife.

If I had to choose which parent would be alive, between my mother and father, I would choose my dad. This is because my mother has "████████████" disabilities. My mother is too ████. She cannot understand, evaluate and she cannot lead. This is what can lead to devastating consequences for people who are forced to work with, live with or depend on her.

My dad at least earned money. He was more like a man who███████████████████████, he will pay his kid to do something, then he will believe because he is paying, he can abuse the child as the child belongs to him. His brother Lal and sisters Sriyani and Kalyani are also weird. This is not a socially advanced country, but it is reforming.

I found that with the increased access to the internet, there has been a dramatic shift in attitudes in SL. The access to internet allows people to gain information that reduces the information asymmetry which may have caused bigger problems.

I worry the religion is somewhat dragging progress, but it is also in the process of undergoing reform.

1:30 p.m.

The most significant being our business loss, which was not fair at all. It is disgusting, it is not right. I do not understand how the US did not demand we install a functioning rule of law when they buy our exports or cooperate with us.

1:45 p.m.

When the US is buying up all our exports, they are giving us our money. China might be investing too. But the US is our export market. They should push things in SL, say, get a rule of law or we will put trade sanctions to cripple your economy as it is better than giving a drug addict drug money.

2:00 p.m.

This means that when discussing business with Thilanga uncle, I must withhold information from him. I do not see any real hope. I am giving up. I regret telling him things. I should have hidden those details. This country is not going to change. People here anyway want to believe in hell, in suffering and so, this is what they deserve.

2:15 p.m.

Telling my uncle Thilanga the truth is good. He deserves to know facts. I told him the US firms have complained about him. I think it was just the Wikipedia story about his passport fraud. It is a well known story. The best we can do is get rid of it. Jit Warnakulasuriya got rid of the citations on Sunday Leader, he can help Thilanga uncle too. I can also do this for him.

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Murdering anyone is a bad idea. It is not good. It is a stupid thing to do. It is only understandable on the basis that this person took responsibility for the care of minors, then, betrayed those responsibilities and the child was not eating, was bullied, was severely malnourished, did not attend school and was suicidal.

2:30 p.m.

I do not understand Thilanga uncle's behavior. He came to our home on 3rd January, he saw me, then he asked me, "what happened with those letters?!" I was not sure what to say to him. I just told him, the US company had bad things to say. I showed him the emails on my phone, he looked through. He said to say to the US firm that we are ready for business and if not, to tell them to forget about it.

I cannot do business with these guys in SL, I am sick and tired and I am giving up, these people, i cannot work with, they have robbed and betrayed, they will result in my death, but it is most likely a bigger damage to their lives in lost security, lost information and opportunities which they must accept. These guys screwed up Easter Sunday attacks, they did not learn anything, these people are too careless, negligent and they just do not let capable people do thing, they try to block us and they win.

4:00 PM

3:30 p.m.

I had a chat with my mum, she says that breakfast is available at 9 a.m. I should try to correct my sleep time. If I sleep at 11 p.m., I will probably wake up on time. My constant working, it goes on till 3 a.m. I have to try and normalise my waking up and sleeping times.

Buddhism is just a platform technology. It is a way to learn. Things like meditation are scientific. My writing is in itself a form of meditation. My mum is frustrated too. She is someone who is bringing me down. We hate each other, but she is based on her hate, trying to harm, disrupt or prevent my success. She is ''winning'' in her mind. She is creating havoc.

I am not healthy at all, it is not fair, these people in SL let me down, it is not right, it seems I cannot offer value to SL. It is shameful when a society cannot make use of qualified, capable people with skills, from a top family, it really tells you there is something very wrong with SL. Without me around, the same problems will still be found in SL. All I did was address problems we are facing, which is the only solution and method to improve SL structurally.

I regret how I was forced back to SL. No, I regret coming back. I resent how I was forced back. In a way, despite anything else I might say, I cannot compromise on certain things. I cannot ''kill'' or murder people. I can write bitterly, I can say things, I cannot go to murder people. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

In my life, nobody is physically attacking me. Therefore there is no reason to kill. Even with Israel, there has to be a sustainable solution to Iran. Either it is nuked or it is befriended somehow. It is not a good idea to kill the Palestinians forever as well, it is resulting in major cognitive dissonance, the Muslims are upset, they want justice, it is not fair to them. They will justify some kind of nuclear strike on Israel internally within their conscience. This is why it must be stopped.

3:45 p.m.

This is why killing people is always wrong. It is good to try to understand people, respect people and make things work. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I was afraid of this.

At the same time, she probably ''had good intention'' just like Zahran Hashim. She probably wanted to hurt us, she was acting in cooperation with Sandhya Dharmadasa who wanted to hurt us back (as I went to help Upali uncle in hospital as he was kind to me) and maybe she just wanted to report animal cruelty or to get some attention. It was my fault for not seeing it coming, I saw it coming, I told her to stop it and not do it, when she said it was for her two vulnerable, hurt kids to see, I regret it deeply, I thought it was okay.

4:15 PM

4:15 p.m.

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It makes no sense!

It seems a bit 'too wicked'. It is just so suspicious.

What does my mother gain in staying friends with and inviting Sandalal for her birthday or for our dad's 15th alms giving? Why is she friends with people who try to cripple her own son?

Is she delusional, is she psychotic or she is insecure, uneducated or weak? Or a combination? Or just an evil, wicked and foul threat?

Whatever it may be, it does seem incredibly suspicious and wrong.

It is just wrong.

It is ugly.

This is what this is all about.

This is the whole story.

It is about betrayal.

It is about a mother, who for whatever reason, is successfully able to cause profound psychological, health and economic damage to her own son.

This is what I am concerned by.

Why is it that she is trying to do this? She is holding me captive as a prisoner, I depend on her. I did not go to school, I do not eat, I have no life, no money, nothing--

what is the point?

What is she trying to achieve?

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I do not get it?

does she need to see me drown?

What does she want from all of this?

What is the final intended outcome?

5:45 PM

5:00 p.m.

I am in trouble. I am a mess. I worry more about Thilanga uncle than he seems to care about himself. I am frustrated. I need his Wikipedia fixed up. It is too much damage. It is terrible. People in the US will look at it, form their own bad opinions and beliefs, then I will be unable to do anything, I will be guilty by association as well.

People like Chandrika are not enemies. People like Upali Dharmadasa compete for Sri Lanka Cricket, it is not a serious enemy, I will forget Upali uncle and his family; when ███████ came, I chose to honour Upali uncle, as he did treat me with a lot of respect, but it was probably foolish. I do not know.

███████ showed up, she came to try and make things work, I felt it. I felt the Muslims wanted to build something. It is probably suspicion only that they hate me because I try to partner Israeli companies. It is probably just ███ who I have to condemn. Thilanga uncle does not have active enemies. He does not compete with anyone. It is a peaceful time.

I am worrying profusely. I fear that the only story about Thilanga uncle on the BBC news will be negative. It already has been negative. It is all completely adverse. I am feeling overwhelmed. The next story will be terrible. They do not have to do anything further. He has been portrayed unfavourably.

5:15 p.m.

I can still help. I can get this Wikipedia cleared out. It just requires you to takedown the citations. We can even coordinate with the Wikipedia guys. We have contacts at the BBC. I do not know if it is enough. I cannot believe it, there is so much negativity. It may be best to de-leverage, choosing the right battles.

The Channel 4 documentary and whole portrayal of SL is also terrible. It makes us look like morons. I feel very frustrated and hurt. There is evidence of war crimes, such as Prabhakaran's son on the BBC. It is a war crime. There is no refuting it. I am already feeling terrible about all of this. I███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I cannot believe the list of problems. It just says, "passport fraud", and that he was acquitted. I am getting paranoid that the US security services, NSA, CIA, they must be maintaining a file on Thilanga uncle. I am already frightened. It is terrible. It probably will not be too useful. It cannot be as bad.

5:30 p.m.

(1) It is an acquitted case. So, to say he is guilty is wrong, it is an assumption only. So, that is out.

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So, this is not a big deal. There is still a lack of evidence.

Sigh.

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I am scared.

I will think of something.

5:45 p.m.

Oops my tea is getting cold. I better drink my tea.

I can always just say, he was acquitted ^1,

BTW. I am listening to masonic brother Mozart's classical music. I am just so cool. I love how I call all these super cool people, "Brother". :) :)

It is so cool.

I do not know.

The Sunday Leader stories are the problem, Lasantha has written this man-

Also, how did that Asanga Seneviratne buy Sunday Leader? It is strange

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5:45 PM (b)

5:45 p.m.

(b)

I am--

I had my tea. I much prefer tea to alcohol. I do not like alcohol. I only like champagne, it tastes good. I think beer is better than water.

I am listening to Mozart's Allegro. It is beautiful.

I think my right eye will be okay. I will go and cold water wash it. I will put some ice.

I am too internally frustrated.

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மறைந்தது

7:00 PM

The way I try to ''see'' my own biases:

1. write a statement out, then, at a later time point, look at this from a different perspective,

2. then rewrite it out again -- and then again,

3. if there is a third point of view or middle path, rewrite it again at yet another separate point in time.

This way, if you read through and compare, you will see the differences, it will reveal the biases.

An easy example is if you imagine you are a Capitalist versus a Communist, a Sith versus a Jedi, or a Prosecutor versus an Attorney.

I saw this picture on a wise friend's page, this is the inspiration -- it shows you that what might occur to you, might not occur to another.

The other picture that comes to mind is the snake with a mouse in its mouth being portrayed as the 'hero' who appears to be saving the mouse from drowning from a certain point of view.

8:15 PM

7:45 p.m.

It is difficult for me to mark ███████████████████ as an "enemy". There is a lack of evidence. It is not justice to mark then attack a person without evidence. She has not betrayed us as far as I "know". I only speculate she has betrayed us. It is not cool, but it is somewhat fair to treat her as a "likely enemy"; but then only saying a few things truthfully is appropriate.

It is not fair for me to call Sandhya Dharmadasa an "enemy". It is not fair for me to call her a "likely enemy". It is possible to say, "family enemy", but this is also not fair because she has done nothing against me. It is wrong. I have zero evidence. The circumstantial evidence that because if Thilanga uncle hates them therefore then I must be cautious they are a "likely family enemy" is okay.

This is also not a healthy approach. You cannot compare Lal uncle with ███████ and Sandhya aunty. Someone like Jeewaka Edirisinghe and also Capital Maharaja Directors are not clear targets. It is not justice. Lal is an "enemy". Anyone like Saroj uncle or Raja uncle caught befriending an enemy, is a "potential enemy". This is just speculation.

8:00 p.m.

I need to go get some food. I will try to sleep at about 11 p.m. or midnight. I will continue tomorrow. I am struggling with too much stress. I looked at these distressing BBC articles on Thilanga uncle yesterday or the day before. I am disturbed and unsteady because of this right now. It is painful to learn.

So, just to be careful:

Enemy:

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Strategic Enemy:

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Political Enemy:

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Suspected Threat:

No, I will not add █████████ name. This is wrong. She is a small, harmless, beautiful individual. I do not know what is wrong with me. It is not cool. She did nothing. It is all speculation. Plus marking Capital Maharaja is also a little bit uncool because they have a responsibility to report. There is nothing wrong with this. ███████, is not an enemy, not a likely enemy, not a suspected enemy, not a suspected threat or even a risk. It was wrong to have looked at her this way.

Worse, the Muslims are all decent people. Imagining, "Oh I am in cyber, cyber security is only done in California or Israel, I partner vendors in Israel, I like to support the IDF because I hate the Nazis in WW2, therefore the Muslims who all hate the Chosen People will hate me, then try to attack me" is ridiculous. It is not true. The Muslims might be upset that the Palestinians are being murdered, some times. This is healthy, it is natural, I would also be upset. The Muslims are not calling for death to the Chosen People or trying to nuclear bomb Israel. It is only Iran's leaders. I should just be responsible, take notice of my ignorance, then let go.

I think in my case, I struggle with suspicion after what Lal did to betray us. I see a lot of things in the bad way. I see things negatively. I look at people, who mean well, in a negative way. I am treating ███████ like she is Zahran Hashim! I think I wrote this a couple of times over a couple of weeks or months. This is insane! How can I compare her to a ISIS suicide bomber? It is not cool at all! Saying, this guy Ali Sabry is up to no good is also quite uncool -- he is so nice to me. It is all pure racism. It is not justice.

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9:45 PM

9:15 p.m.

My family is weak. The people in our family are weak. Our family's leaders are weak. My mother is weak. She is not a tough guy, she did not fight. She is not going to standup to Sandalal. She is a loser. I was unlucky. With ███████, I have a lot of misgivings.

I fear this fellow tried to attack us. It does not matter if I think she is innocent. In the end, this is just cognitive dissonance. What matters is she acted against me. This situation with Dharmadasas is also quite sad. In the end, the Rajapaksas are our family's allies.

9:30 p.m.

It is best to just decide that whatever good we did with these people, it is in the past, today, now, I have to be morel loyal to Thilanga uncle. Thilanga uncle has no plans to fight anyone. In the present, I have to work to stop the enemies somehow. I have to protect our friends and partners.

Most likely a lot of English educated people in SL are working to implicate Yoshitha for the Thajudeen's death. They probably reported him. This might include Mahesh. It is not a perfect country. Premadasa killed a lot of people, including journalists. It is a pot calling a kettle black situation. We have to be real. Yoshitha most likely did not do anything, there is no evidence.

2:30 AM