War Jokes Turned Into PR Scripts and Identity Panic

December 9, 2020

I let the day move from war jokes and gratitude notes into PR scripting, identity strain, and the pressure of trying to control how everything and everyone around me would read me.

2:30 PM

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2020

1:30 a.m.

I didn't sleep all night last night. I was up the whole day. ██████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████

I'm so tired. I'll probably watch Ratched tomorrow. It's a 6 out of 10 TV show. It's mediocre, it's terrible, it's an okay rating because a lot of effort went into it. It's really terrible. I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep soon.

5:30 p.m.

I woke up some time in the afternoon. I had a hard to describe dream. That's what I think separates us from machine, from computers and ai, it's our dreams. I remembered it when I woke up, I was thinking about it, but then I forgot. I can't remember what i dreamt. I do remember i stretched out my hand for some reason in the dream and someone, a friend most likely, he or maybe less than likely, a girl, he made comments that my arm should be a lot longer or something. It was weird. That's just it. I was thinking deep thoughts about that dream, it's just so strange how you remember things, you think about it, it means so much to you, it's at the centre of your mind, all the attention, and then suddenly, poof, it vanishes, it goes away, forgotten, obsolete, then oblivion, never happened.

I will never charge money for my writing. If I publish a book, I'll never charge for it, maybe charity proceeds, but never my name mentioned, never for profit, I won't accept any money for anything I write because it's too sacred. You can't be like that guy who author Stephen King wrote about in 1979 called The Dead Zone, called Greg Stillson who sold bibles and kicked a dog to death -- and predicted Trump just like Back to the Future.

Here is a short copy paste from Wikipedia:

"In an unconnected incident, a young, emotionally troubled door-to-door Bible salesman named Greg Stillson vindictively kicks a dog to death."

I can't charge for anything, it feels wrong to me. I charge for the cyber security business, but that's business and we need to pay people to do the complicated, painful and difficult tasks involved in cyber security.

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I also remembered for unexplainable reasons that Bentsi ben Atar teaching me that in Hebrew translation to English that "better a good name than good oil". I was thinking about whether I should say that to Ron, Jim, Steve and Jay in response to their observations or if I should say that to Thilanga uncle or to both, which is in my nature. Bentsi is from Unit 8200, Israeli Army Signals Intelligence Corps, he was the head or team leader of the technology division. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ He got me a pizza after I refused innumerably, I hope it's not due to B--k Of The L-w decreeing thou shalt buy thy enemies foods, I didn't mean anything by telling Bentsi I was sick of his money phobic allergy to cash hehehe hic hic.. I can't remember the joke, but it was very funny, ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I was thinking sometimes, when I write a Captain's Log entry, it doesn't enter, it changes, or if it's over 8,000 characters, it doesn't enter or edit, then, like the dream, it is forgotten because it wasn't written down, something that measurement advocate Peter Drucker would agree with, I'm sure. I now copy things, in case it's important. I also saw some very cool things about Facebook that I'm going to keep secret and maybe tell Jacques Huyghebaert and the few trustworthy people only.

The other thing about dreams is that it can be that it's a reflection of something deeper going on in your life. Maybe the dreams are the dreams of your father and mother. Or the others in your life. Maybe. Maybe it's the foods we eat, the animals or the memory of the plants or plant based foods or the water. Maybe, it's from G-d or if it's a nightmare it's from Satan, or the angels and demons, the wet dreams, I guess, are difficult to ascribe or credit to heaven or earth or hell, maybe to nature or science, I don't know, and even if I did i don't tell. Maybe it's karma or energy. Maybe it's about past lives if you're a Buddhist. It's hard to say. It's interesting.

6:15 p.m.

Oh f*** me. I forgot to add a timestamp. Isn't that just like me? I get carried away. Don Vito Corleone wouldn't give me anything important, I'm not a reliable person, I get carried away. I'd make them look like murderers, despite what that undertaking said, disrespecting Corleone on the day of his daughter's wedding hehehe..

I was thinking about stuff. I was thinking about whether we live in a world that's forgotten about Buddhism.

2:30 PM (b)

Alvin ███████████: Thank you

2:30 PM (c)

█████████ Emh: Thanks

2:45 PM

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2020

6:30 p.m.

[Ooh it's still under 8,000 characters.]

[Previous Entry was under 8k, but then it exceeded, then I had to write this]

(Sic begins)

If ppl forget Bddhsm, it's tme 4 Maitreya Bddha Bdhisatva to emrge. Bhante Saranapala seems 2 be very knowledgeable and real, he's a good guy, I have to thank Channa Palansuriya uncle for the introduction via Jagath uncle. I hope he helps Jonathan overcome all the suffering.

To write list:

Write about

F*** I forgot

I hate it when that happens

I forget things

I don't remember

I think it was I have to be a monk AFTER doing the massive service to humanity by giving tech or changing the world for the better

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I think i remember now

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Add:

Mum wanted to go use a coupon at a coffee shop

Add:

Would to G-d all men and women were prophets for FB justification

Numbers 11:29

New International Version

But Moses replied, "Are you jealous for my sake? I wish that all the LORD's people were prophets and that the LORD would put his Spirit on them!"

King James Bible

And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake? would God that all the LORD'S people were prophets, and that the LORD would put his spirit upon them!

Add:

Do. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Do. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I don't know him well, I met him twice or thrice, he's my uncle's best friend's friend in Canada 2. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

(Sic ends)

6:45 p.m.

I regret telling David Chichinadze that he should use fireflies ai, should've done it more tactfully by planting the ideas or in a video or lecture or meeting or call

Think about saying that nobody has a monopoly on virtues or morals or ethics or right and wrong (SG PM LHL) in my own words, dumb it down as much as possible, i.e. people can't all agree on what's right or wrong --- say it to Thilanga uncle if needed

Say we must emphasize on learning when needing to befriend people

7:00 p.m.

Say, I'm a sensitive person, I don't like to trust people, I only have a few friends, I don't want any, you be friends with my cousins or uncles or family members instead as I don't wish to hear from you.

7:30 p.m.

10:30 p.m.

My sister Lehara's best friend Nadeesha, who is really attractive lol, is sadly migrating to Canada, they're having a going away party at the Allstar restaurant, owned by my cousins.

I've been listening to I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper for like 2 or 3 hours, on full volume over 85 dba/ decibels safe volume limit, but I reduced to less enjoyable volume, and continue to listen enjoying it fully, I feel in a trance, transported, I love it.

I destroyed my old earphones because I didn't use Tidal for high fidelity music after a while, I don't like headphones, but I'm waiting to try binaural audio as recommended by Jonathan, who is a genius, he also recommended a brand of methyl folate, these are things I have never heard of in my life !!

If not for him, I wouldn't have turned down the volume on my TV from a full 100 out of 100 volume which can otherwise cause loud volume induced hearing loss over time with prolonged use. My mum's prayers and house noise complaint prayers were answered!

7:00 PM

I tried it. I didn't like it that much. I prefer ordinary ham, especially honey drenched ham.

12:15 AM

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2020

12:00 a.m.

I'm 27 years old. Most likely I'll die by the age of 50 or 60 or 70. Maybe sooner. My ridiculous idea that "oh my dad died after I broke a childish promise and so, G-d must want me dead" is silly. I don't know how come I think things like that.

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I don't feel any ill will towards any group of people anymore. It's silly too. It's immature. It's wrong. I've gotta cut it out. I guess, it's over.

I think a good test for whether I took the 60 mg of Mirtazapine or not is to see if I feel sleepy or not. As I don't feel sleepy, it means I haven't taken it. I should just count the empty packets. If I took it on Monday, Tuesday, that's 15mg x 4 x 2 days, 8 pills missing. So, if it's 8 pills missing, I must take 4. Makes sense.

12:15 a.m.

I'm excited to see how Bhante helps Jonathan out. They're both two of my favourite people. Bhante's literally a monk, meaning he's a worshipful hero. Jonathan's the coolest. I have changed a lot because he makes a lot of sense, I wish everyone had a friend like Jonathan.

Jonathan Hirshon's brain gets used to antidepressants, it gets immunity or tolerance, then, they don't have an impact anymore. That's his uniqueness. He's a genius. I learn so much from him every day. I'm surprised I keep learning more and more every day.

He's like Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow in Avengers or that Marvel Movie where she sacrifices her life to save her teammate. He's heroic. I love the man. I've changed so much to be a better version of myself out of inspiration from how kind he is. I wish everyone had a friend like Jonathan.

12:30 a.m.

Her husband said she was just the kindest person ever, and I believe that too. Real f***ing shame! I have this really cool giggle, I can't help the hic hic hic laughter, it's so cool. Me and my best friend Jacques Huyghebaert have it. We're so cool. Chandrasiri Mayakaduwa uncle has it. I'm giggling uncontrollably.

My office was right next to Chandrasiri uncle's office at Alpex Marine. There's an opening. So, whenever he screams at people or hurts people, he starts laughing. I also do it. But I mean, this is who I am. This is what I love, this is all I care about. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

2:30 a.m.

I'm losing weight. I'm 42 kg instead of 44 kg. I don't know what's happening. I must be under too much stress. I think way too much. I can't seem to put my brain to sleep, so I use tranquilizers like Mirtazapine to shut it down. I'm getting tired. I need to sleep. I'll take 60 mg of Mirtazapine and sleep soon.

Something very important. It had something to do with suicides. Someone has died. I dunno. It definitely wasn't about Chandrasiri Mayakaduwa uncle's daughter Imanthi Mayakaduwage who hanged herself off a staircase, poor soul, Chandrasiri uncle's very, very hurt, he'll never forgive himself, he thinks about it all the time.

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2:45 a.m.

3:00 a.m.

I'm so sleepy. Some guy called me yesterday and said there was some requirement at some unknown bank. I have to write to him telling him to not call me again. So annoying, why is he calling me? I don't want to hear from him again. So r***rded.. I'm going to very quickly do my 5 minute elliptical machine physical activity.

4:00 a.m.

Oh I just remembered what I was thinking about, while shaving my beard slowly over like 15 or 30 mins...

I was thinking about That Would Be Enough in Hamilton by Lin Manuel Miranda, that's what I'd want to say to my most favourite person if he'd think about killing himself, I remembered it looking at how Israel is in crisis during this lockdown owing to C19.

[ELIZA]

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Look around, look around…

[HAMILTON]

How long have you known?

[ELIZA]

A month or so

[HAMILTON]

Eliza, you should have told me

[ELIZA]

I wrote to the General a month ago

[HAMILTON]

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4:30 a.m.

I'm sick of that song, I don't like Hamilton anymore. I'm bored. There's just nothing new. I'm sick of how there's nothing new. It's so depressing.

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4:00 AM

https://youtu.be/Ryh_LrPz9wI

5:00 AM

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2020

5:00 a.m.

I'm getting sleepy. I checked, a strip of Mirtazapine has 2 rows and 5 columns. I found 4 were missing, or 2 were missing, I took 4, so that's 15mg x 4 = 60mg of Mirtazapine.

I got excited. I'm sure it was just a joke. I'm going to restrict this soon, as I shouldn't share secrets with everyone.

4:15 p.m.

I just woke up. Interestingly, I can't see who's active on my Messenger app. It's strange. I don't know. Weird. I had a good night's sleep. I think that sometimes you don't have any dreams. Or I don't know.

Jacques Huyghebaert has tried to call me in the morning. My phone was switched off. I'll go speak to him maybe later onwards. Or call him. I'm getting hungry. I had no dinner last night. My mum doesn't care about my health.

4:30 p.m.

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I should say there are Muslims in Muslim countries who are serious. There's a lot of differentials. These people in Sri Lanka are out to get me. ████████ uncle's already betrayed me for no reason, it's probably his narcissistic personality disorder.

Again, all that'll happen if Thilanga or Jagath uncle met Mark Zuckerberg or Sheryl Sandberg or Jonathan Hirshon or Chamath Palihapitiya is they'll find fault with, insult or judge, they'll pick a fight, they'll get upset, it'll be a disaster. People here aren't used to that.

9:00 p.m.