Watchmen-Brave New World Loop, Suicidal Ideation, and Self-Censorship

October 15, 2020

I stayed trapped between Watchmen, Brave New World, PTSD flashbacks, business pressure, and active self-censorship, so the whole day reads like me trying to contain my own mind in real time.

12:00 AM

Thu 15 Oct

12:45 a.m.

Watching Watchmen tv show.

2:30 a.m.

I love Watchmen season 1. I'm sleepy. I messaged Ron at Sierra we made deals and we should discuss in a video conference meeting.

10:30 a.m.

I'm tired. I'm still sleepy. I'm hungry. I'm quite annoyed. I'm stressed.

10:45 a.m.

Preoccupied by concerns regarding terrorism.

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Started watching Brave New World (2020) TV show. I like it.

1:30 p.m.

I love Brave New World. I love novel ideas. I'm on episode 2. I better write an email.

I'm waiting on Ron to respond or to schedule a video conference. I'm quite concerned.

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It's strange. I was thinking I was watching Watchmen TV series last night and I remember that Nostalgia was a drug used to remember stuff.

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1:45 p.m.

I keep deleting hateful ideas. I think that's best.

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9:30 p.m.

My teeth are aching. My bottom teeth are feeling funny. I hope I don't end up with rotten teeth like Freemason Brother George Washington.

I'm watching Brave New World. It's very exciting. I love it. I'm drinking tea. I ran out of teabags, so I put loose tea in my cup.

Tomorrow when my mum goes to supermarket, she can buy me mango ice cream and teabags. I prefer tea bags because then I don't have to clean up. There's no mess.

I like the ice cream from Carnival ice cream parlour but it's all artificial flavours. I couldn't believe it, tastes real. It's also expensive. I heard Rauf Hakeem's wife owns it.

Ron responded and can do a meeting on Monday. Steve and Jim in Ron's company said something about crime in an email and now me and Jacques are terrified. These emails can be intercepted.

I'm stressed out by all of that. I also think I'm saving money buying mango ice cream from supermarket at Rs 400 and not paying Rs 800 to buy from Carnival.

However, there is a Mint and Chocolate Chip Ice Cream and a Durian Ice Cream and other flavours, at Carnival which you don't get at the supermarket.

Rauf Hakeem's must've done a deal with JKH and Cargills to protect his wife's business, so JKH and Cargills don't sell durian or mint flavour ice cream..

9:45 p.m.

I got a bitter taste from my tea. I think I put too much loose tea with the heaped teaspoon. That's the reason I prefer teabags. It was too strong.

10:00 p.m.

I ate another miniature Mars bar. I love it. When I was small, and less than 12, I was at my dad's office and he gave a Mars ice cream bar. Good stuff.

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10:15 p.m.

I worry about business.

10:30 p.m.

I worry about business.

10:45 p.m.

I worry about business. I should resume watching Brave New World. I worry too much about business.

I worry about business. F***. I can't watch Brave New World because I'm worrying too much about business.

I better take 60 mg of ███████████. I'm scared about my business.

11:00 p.m.

I better brush my teeth. I hope nothing's wrong. I'm undecided on what to call my writing:

(1) Lehan's Diary.

(2) Journal Entry.

(3) Captain's Log.

I think I used to call it Diary when I was very small, but last last year or something, it became Journal Entry and now, it must be "Captain's Log".

I'm so original. It's so cool. I copied Donald Trump's Art of the Deal, but put my own twist to it. It's just I thought the exact same way and same thing..

This "Captain's Log" problem is that I'm not a Captain and it's too much of a plagiarism of Star Trek.

I bet a long time ago, a slave ship captain also maintained a Captain's Log.

11:15 p.m.

Slave trade slave Captain's log is discussed.

11:45 p.m.

I better delete this. It's a bit too dark.

*I deleted the Slave Captain's Log because I decided it was too evil*.

I think I can write (4) "Lehan's Life". That's another alternative. But I don't like it. It's too sad.

I better stick with "Captain's Log". I feel a lot more happy and less stressed out after writing. Sheryl Sandberg's so right about this. I feel safer.

Maybe the 60 mg of Mirtazapine is kicking in. I'm going to sleep soon. I will continue my plan tomorrow. I should just relax. I need to get ice cream tomorrow. I must brush my teeth.

Hmm..

Soon, it will be Fri 16 Oct 12:00 a.m. in 5 minutes...

I think I can start this thing where if I have a bad edit history in my journal entry, I should copy, delete and paste with the new day.

12:00 AM (b)

Fri 16 Oct

12:00 a.m.

It's a new day. I think we're going for drinks to celebrate my cousin's birthday in the night.

12:15 a.m.

I'm a bit tired. My sleep patterns messed up. I heard in the news that in Sri Lanka there's been a stoning of Colombo International School hehehe..

1:00 a.m.

I'm getting sleepy. I first ate two cream crackers and a miniature Mars chocolate bar. I brushed my teeth.

I'll watch Brave New World and go to sleep. I still have a little energy.

I'll do my 4 minutes Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake and Timberland elliptical machine jog in memory of Sheryl Sandberg's late husband Dave Goldberg.

I was listening to 4 Minutes and then Like a Prayer by Madonna played, so I jogged some more. I Drove All Night by Cyndi Lauper is on now.

1:15 a.m.

I shouldn't have done 8 minute elliptical machine running. I should've stuck with 4 minutes. I love Brave New World. I'm going to watch episode 3.

1:45 a.m.

Linda in Brave New World looks like█████████.

6:00 p.m.

Hehehe..

My room's A/C was taken for repairs, so now it's boiling in my room. I won't go to my cousin's birthday drinks events. I don't think alcohol is good for me.

7:45 p.m.

I'm reading Social Capital, Chamath Pahalapitiya's 2019 Annual Letter. I have to read this and then I'll write a plan for Ron, who is Dutch.