Story

1:45 AM on November 7

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SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2020

12:30 a.m.

Biden is the new US President. He won't get much done in senate or house of representatives because there's a lot of elected Republicans. The senate is mostly Republican so no bills will be ratified/ approved.

12:45 a.m.

I didn't type anything here.

1:45 a.m.

I'm getting sleepy. I'll watch some TV.

Add to Sun 8 Nov:

I'm watching Blood of Zeus. I saw Train to Busan 2 Peninsula (2020), which was pretty okay, although, I wasn't a big fan, maybe I'll give it a 6 out of 10. I'll go to sleep later. I took 60 mg of Mirtazapine.

5:30 p.m.

5:45 p.m.

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ I don't know. I'm confused. I sort of get the feeling that it's evil to hurt someone this viciously. I don't know if it's correct. It's not giving me anything valuable. It's probably just up to me. I'll talk to Thilanga uncle.

6:00 p.m.

6:15 p.m.

6:30 p.m.

I'm comfortable with all of this. I'm used to it. It's my comfort zone.

6:45 p.m.

No need to rush anything. I'll do all of this stuff patiently. Besides, people like Ashra Ahamath and Shazna Ousmand aunties at Thilanga uncle's office are pretty cool. They've been friendly with me, a lot of Moslems have been good and friendly towards me, it's not fair for me to go after everyone, including innocent Moslems.

7:00 p.m.

When I was blocking off Sarah Nazeem and Mommo Maniku, it felt like I was murdering them. Severing relationships causes a lot of emotional and spiritual damage. It hurts. Mommo was at my very first birthday. He was so cool. We were very small children when we met. He and I first started talking in secondary school in CIS about Volvo cars, as my dad was buying a XC 70 and he thought we should buy a XC 90 instead, he then talked about GTA video game. He's not a terrorist. It's disgusting for me to even think that way, so cruelly, it's disturbing and evil and not fair.

But at the same time, I'm wondering to myself whether this doubt is "cognitive dissonance". I'm wondering whether it's weakness. I'm wondering whether this isn't real. I'm wondering whether it's stopping me from doing what I have to do. I'm wondering. I'm second guessing, questioning myself, I'm feeling really tired, I'm being so predatory and wicked, I'm wondering whether this is even me. It's not who I am.

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7:45 p.m.

I remember Mommo Maniku gave me a lot of his Oreos at school. When my dad died, a lot of my sunshine friends abandoned me, but Mommo and even Sandhya aunty, people like Mishal and Mubarak Musin, their mums, Daley Aunty, all of them were still with me, they were loyal. I ate with them, they've been at all our birthdays, I've been at their homes, I'm aware they have stuck up for me, if I was in a fight, Mommo would've stood up for me no matter what.

Even when I was in trouble, Sandhya aunty shielded me, Mahesh was like my own brother, I called him Rhino because Udesh called him that. Upali Dharmadasa uncle always cooked for me. He came to see me with Udesh when my grandma complained I wasn't going to school. It's not fair for me to call them all bad guys, and see them as enemies and to plot against them.

There's a lot of cognitive dissonance from all the memories and relationship experiences we've had. Sarah Nazeem went out of her way to teach me, she always sat me next to her in her home, she taught me everything in business, like I was her son, she's not a terrorist, she's not plotting against me.

8:00 p.m.

Plus, Thilanga uncle's not always acting properly. He came and tried to hang me for nothing as well. He must've fought with others too to deserve that bad name. I'm not like him. I'm a decent guy. I don't need to do all these unnecessary things for him or anyone.

Maybe, maybe just maybe, I'm cut from the same cloth, maybe, maybe perhaps I'm just as bad, maybe I'm evolved, more sophisticated and even more ruthless than him. But then again, nobody is attacking Jagath uncle. If Jagath uncle was in politics, nobody would've said anything about him, Capital Maharaja and others aren't after us.

Nobody has ever written anything about me, I doubt anyone will. Plus, I'm aware Denzil Perera my deputy chairman is buddies with Gota Sir, Basil, Namal and Mahinda Rajapaksa and part of Viyathmaga, but he's not that influential. I don't know what will happen with Gotabaya Rajapaksa. I don't know if he'll come after me one day.

8:15 p.m.

Or maybe, not even that. They haven't done anything to me. I still haven't fired Imtiyaz Gaffoor or Afflli Raheem. Which would've been f***ing disgusting. That would've been a Nazi move. Hehe lol, yeah to fire someone cause he or she's a Moslem is just such a kraut thing to do.

8:30 p.m.

I don't want to do anything to anyone. It's very bad karma. It's likely G-d will punish me for being wicked, or maybe G-d will punish me for not attacking my enemies. I don't know. I'm unsure.