Two Masters, Complex PTSD, and the Fear of Becoming Wicked

January 25, 2021

A dream about Buddhism opens into a long page about divided faith, revenge on James and Ayeshah, complex PTSD, anorexia, Sri Lanka's corrupt culture, and Thilanga's reputation, before Gangs of London leaves the night sickened, suicidal, and determined not to become cruel.

1:15 PM

1:15 p.m.

I had a dream about Buddhism. It was also about Facebook, which must be a first. I dreamt about my cousin Wagisha. She had put up a Facebook cover photo, a beautiful animation, like MySpace had, of Buddha, the scenic background was moving in loop.

It was a very surreal dream. I forgot it when I woke up. I just remembered it now. We were all talking about Buddhism "in a big way". It had become this big thing, all the craze. A lot of people were putting Buddha on their Facebook. I wondered in the dream if it was Vesak, but did not know.

I think I have 2 religious beliefs that somewhat contradict. These are karmic Buddhism and divinity based Christianity. I follow liberal, scientific Reform Maitreya Buddhism. Worse, in Christianity, I seem to follow the elitist Freemason denomination. I also adopted Jewish beliefs on G-d, mostly reform Judaism.

The problem is, as Sandesh and his relative or best friend, Stefan De Alwis pointed out, is I have two masters. I never seemed to reject Satan, the adversary. I understood instead, the devil was a side to G-d, that there is only purgatory and not hell, and indeed, we shall all return to G-d after 100 days in the Jewish equivalent of purgatory.

I am not afraid of the dark, I am not afraid of death and sin has no power over me, I am not afraid of the darkness. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

1:30 PM

1:30 p.m.

The danger with two masters, Satan, if he exists, and G-d, or Yahweh, and Jesus, is manifold.

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I am unsure what to do. I do not seem to have as much freedom to do as I wish. I have a restricted, limited budget. I am not unlimited like Glinda. I have to survive, I might need to scrounge.

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She indirectly told me, "you are a liar", but referring to a competitor, Suren Perera at CICRA who she spoke to.

She is playing childish games with me, when I am being serious with her. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

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It is disgusting, I did not ask her for any money, I offered her money, friendship and life.

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3:15 PM

I am sorry to learn the late Edward Ariyadasa, a veteran journalist, has passed away. I hope he returns to G-d in peace and attains the supreme bliss of nirvana.

3:15 PM (b)

3:00 p.m.

I finished yesterday's Coca Cola from McDonalds. They famously use the syrup, so the coke is really good. I hear the original recipe in Colombia is the best version of Coca Cola!

I habitually miss breakfast. I need to go eat, but I am mentally exhausted.

I spoke with Alex Marsh. Alex, who like Alex Carvell also lives in Coventry, told me that I should forget about James. It is best to let them go. Alex's full name is Alexander William (I think, Parker) Marsh.

It is similar to the MI6 guy, Alex Younger, who I hear is a Scot. ███████████████████████████████████████████

I will tell James that we will do things the right way.

3:15 p.m.

I do not want to be some corrupt third world thug. I do not need to do bad things. I want to do things properly. This is why I write so much. I have the spirit of Lee Kuan Yew and Lasantha and Anne Frank in me.

3:45 PM

3:30 p.m.

There is Ron and Jay, who we can confront with SLT chairman into a deal with us. The other one, is running through Singapore and does not want a local partner. I guess, Jonathan knows them, he can talk to them.

3:45 PM (b)

3:45 p.m.

4:30 PM

4:30 p.m.

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4:45 PM

4:30 p.m.

(b)

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It is like that scene in Game of Thrones, where Hodor says, "Hold the Door" and it makes sense.

It just has to rhyme.

heeheehee

* I deleted a comment because I do not want her to die *

4:45 PM (b)

4:30 p.m.

(c)

I think I am the type that will start things.

I will start the chants.

"U. S. A." is one of my favourite.

There was this special moment, almost Hollywood moment, during Thilanga uncle's inaugaration ceremony as Technology Minister, he was giving a speech, and everyone was listening..

So, when he said something good he did, I just started clapping, and then everyone started clapping...

it was crazy

lit

slowly, people next to me started clapping, then, the guys in the other rows started clapping, people in the whole tiny, compact room started clapping!

4:45 PM (c)

4:45 p.m.

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https://youtu.be/P3YmUx1rM8M

4:45 PM (d)

4:45 p.m.

(b)

I was really terrible at monopoly. I cheated -- a lot. I cheat all the time. I always try to be the banker because I just take, take, take.. I love monopoly. I like monopolies. If Harry Jayawardena gets an alcohol monopoly, I want my cyber monopoly.

4:45 PM (e)

4:45 p.m.

(c)

"I would like the cyber monopoly, please"

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Hidden

5:00 PM

5:00 p.m.

I did not send this email to Troy, but it is pretty cool.

I think, when Raja uncle decides to be a real friend, and not side with The Thief, who Cometh Only to Kill, Steal and Destroy █████████████, then I will add Troy on FB once again.

# Narcissism.

# Grandstanding.

* I was typing, "my new friend Jonathan does PR --" this could be helpful to Troy *

Scarface (Push It to the Limit) -- Paul Engemann:

https://youtu.be/Olgn9sXNdl0

[Verse 1]

Push it to the limit

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6:15 PM

6:00 p.m.

* I deleted an entry on ███████ *

6:15 p.m.

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I hope ███████ does well, she is happy, peaceful and free.

It is strange. I think-

I think I am wicked.

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*Sigh*

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6:30 PM

6:30 p.m.

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Why did King Asoka kill all those guys then turn Buddhist? Why did he not just turn Christian and say Jesus Christ forgives him?

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6:45 PM

6:30 p.m.

(b)

I think this is why, I try to hang around people like me. There will always be people like me. Somewhere, far away, there will be the minority, people who are like me, who think the way I do.

If you follow Sheryl Sandberg or Mark Zuckerberg on Facebook, you see they have many followers, they get a lot of Likes and Comments, and they seem to have 1,000s of friends, most of whom, I strongly doubt they even speak to or know enough to help or remember.

The thing is, of the millions of followers, all of the comments, 99% seem to be negative. It is all rubbish. It is crazy. They all seem to hate these guys.

They ask for jobs, they ask to add him or her on Facebook, they spread lies or fake news or advertise thinking they will get views, it is quite sad.

This is just it.

People like Thilanga uncle, I am sure, everyone in SL knows who he is. Everyone. Not everyone knows who Upali Dharmadasa is, but everyone knows Arjuna Ranatunga, and definitely uncle Thilanga.

7:15 PM

6:45 p.m.

I dunno. It is interesting to watch people, to study people and understand people. I do it almost like a scientist. It is fun, it is worthwhile.

I like to cut through the social propaganda.

I do not think there is any need to do anything to ███████. I should help her. I should stop talking about her. I burnt that bridge, I hurt her.

It was wrong what I did to her.

I think this is the price I pay for having "two masters". It is you cannot ever rest, you pay for the genius, you must suffer and there is no end to the pain.

In order to know things, like this stuff, I must be ready to pay by suffering.

I do not think this is normal. It most likely is complex PTSD. But it is hard. It is hard because even if you can master the world by first mastering yourself or knowing thyself, I see no point.

Even if I know who I am, this means nothing. If you go say, "you are depressed", or you are "anorexic". Who cares? It does not mean anything. It does not take a genius to know that.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It is easy to tell. ██████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████

A king went up to Buddha, he was fat, so, Buddha told him he was fat because he ate so much. Buddha told him to stop eating so much, then he lost weight. It is pretty obvious.

Now in my case, what the heck can I do about my complex PTSD?

I cannot trust anyone. I just do not do it. I do not have to, I do not want to, it is my freedom.

What am I going to do?

Is it going to require medical intervention? It will not work. It looks like, it will require expertise, as the experts in SL do not even know what I am talking about, they do not know what complex PTSD is.

I will need to go back to England, I will need to pay to get treatment from Dr Friedman and Dr Loumidis to figure this out.

I do understand though, which is what is so strange about all of this, that these things are true.

It all seems to make sense.

What do I do?

7:00 p.m.

██████████████████████████████████ I weigh 42 kg at 5' 9", it is like a ██████████████████████████████ I know some dangerous psychiatric drugs, they have a side effect of gaining weight, I tried it, it worked, but the weight falls off somehow.

I think I am 27, I have a lot of time, I will be 28, then 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38/ Asita, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56/ Thilanga uncle I think * In 2050 *, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65/ Nanda Karunagoda, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75 (Jacques hehehe), then, I guess, I will die at 80, so, 76, 77, 78, 79 and 80 * In 2074 *.

If I am 27 now, then, I will keep putting on weight. I look okay. If I am 55 kg, it is fine. Plus, this guy, ██████████, he is only 65 kg or something. I think my metabolism will slow down. Thilanga uncle's friend Nandana Silva, who is a good friend to Thilanga uncle, like all his friends, including Sandalal, he told me he was a skinny guy, but then suddenly, he became a fat f*** and now he cannot get rid of the fat.

Would a mother who does not protect her son, does not make sure he is eating enough, be allowed to have custody of the child in a developed country? No. Would she be allowed to screw up a legal case? No. An attorney would be provided by the state. She would be adjudged to be a lunatic or unsound mind, the judge would have made sure I got my inheritance.

The self loathing is what bothers me. It is hard to deal with this. It is hard coded programming. But I think it is good. If this was not there, there would be no drive to try and make SL number 1.

8:15 PM

7:45 p.m.

I am thinking, slowly meditating.

8:00 p.m.

I think a lot of people would say, I am a Buddhist. I seem to be. It is a deep religion. It is a technology way to explore wisdom solutions.

There is a problem. The guys running the US love me because I am open book. All my thoughts are open for anyone to see, what I am doing, what I am thinking, everything is available.

It is valuable. It shows this person is trustworthy, can speak English properly, seems to know people, influential family, great playlist, loves to research, educated, has interesting ideas, etc.

This is good. I have to do it. It is working for me. People seem to trust me.

In SL, the business culture is different. In US, or UK, it is all bible based. People like to report to the newspapers what people are doing. People value different things.

People want to be proud of people.

The corruption index is very high. The ease of doing business, the standard indexes, it is all very low. People like me are the solution, to be honest.

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8:15 PM (b)

8:15 p.m.

I am happy the guys running the world are warming up to me. It is refreshing indeed. I would do it. It plays to my advantage.

Since I am anyway friendly with the important people in the US, the people in SL, they are friendly with Thilanga uncle, so he can say,

8:45 PM

8:30 p.m.

Gotabaya's interview on BBC with Chris Morris, it was taken off, struck off the BBC.

Thilanga uncle's 2 bn SLT deal with Jit, was mysteriously removed from The Sunday Leader dot lk.████████████████████████████████████

The danger for me is I cannot separate myself from Thilanga uncle, I cannot tell a big guy in the US I do not know him, it is my uncle.

This is not good enough. I need it gone. I cannot face Lee Hsien Loong, Mark Zuckerberg, Sheryl Sandberg or these big guys with this sort of stuff.

There has to be a way to rectify this. I think it would be what my own dad Palith would have told Thilanga uncle. I do not know why nobody tells him this.

I do not know if everyone knows or understands why it must be done, or more importantly, "How?" to do it. Jit knows how it can be done. Jit has a can do spirit. Jit will always find a way to do anything.

9:00 PM

8:45 p.m.

But this can go wrong. I mean, will they accept such a ridiculous story?!

I think so...

But not really, they will judge him as evil.

This is not acceptable.

It is best to say, "he just tried to make the best of his life, he tried to protect people in a way he thought would work--as he was brought up himself."

This is understandable.

It is imbued in our culture.

9:00 PM (b)

9:00 p.m.

The stories about Thilanga uncle that are unflattering have helped keep him safe. He is respected, he is feared, this is essential. Otherwise, he would not have survived successfully for so long.

I do not need to do anything to ███████. I do not need to do anything. She is not a big deal. She has been given a job at International Construction Consortium. I should be happy for her, and I am.

She did not do anything to me. It was all suspicion. It was cruel suspicion. Thank G-d I write stuff out on Facebook. Thank G-d for Facebook. I write, so the anger disappears, the ignorance is revealed.

Thank G-d I write on Facebook.

Thank you, G-d.

Thank you.

I am so thankful, I am so glad.

I will never hurt anyone 'cause I can overcome any hatred, by just writing it out, thinking about it, meditating on my thoughts.

This is true technology. I cannot believe Zuckerberg did not get a Nobel Peace Prize.

I feel really happy now.

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9:30 PM

9:30 p.m.

I am watching Gangs of London season 1. I am on episode 6. There is a scene of this woman held captive, trying to escape. It is extremely disturbing.

10:00 PM

10:00 p.m.

The torture scene in Gangs of London S01 E06 is disgusting. I feel sick. I do not like torture. It does not work. It is weak. I do not like the death penalty. I am wondering about a lot of things by myself. There is so much for me to learn.

I must be a good person and not wicked. I can be a good witch and not a bad, wicked witch.

I am quite shaken up. The scene looked too real.

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I would NEVER do anything of the sort!

Just kidding, I think I am the type.

I am the worst type.

I do not know if I get a choice, you know?

Elphaba, she was born green colour.

It was just not fair.

I cannot be Glinda.

I do not know. I can try. I can try to be Glinda. I can choose. It is the right thing to do.

I am eating pasta from Pastamania. It is okay. I eat slowly, I am like an anaconda, I slowly, eat a human being, slowly, slowly...

*Hiss*

10:15 PM

10:15 p.m.

I was shocked to see this woman being tortured in Gangs of London--escape! *Sigh* Torture, wars, these things are all disgusting. It is very wicked people who start these things. They know people are easy to manipulate.

I was thinking of ███████. This company, International Construction Consortium, it got the 1.5b LKR tender for Asiri Central Hospital, which they have misprinted as another name carelessly. I wonder if my mum and Ashok Pathirage helped ███████ get that job.

But this is wrong.

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Some wars, it is how we survive.

I do not know about ███████, I think I might just try to make sure there is no risk for me.

Sigh, Lal uncle and Deepa, their kids did not choose their parents, they did not do anything, they cannot.

A lot of things to think about.

10:45 PM

10:30 p.m.

I love writing. I am getting good at logging. It is very cool. It is like as though, I am doing magic.

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It was wrong and unfair to compare myself to NZ shooter and other bad guys.

I just do it to use it as a goal post, to improve.

I am feeling pretty sick.

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I am weak. I have never killed anyone. I do not think I have ever really done anything "seriously bad" to anyone.

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I do not know, it is quite funny, I am sort of a crook, but I do not like this crooked stuff.

I think I do it because it is the way things are done.

I do not know.

I have a massive headache.

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There is no real reason to. ███████████████████████████████████████████ I have too much left to do. I have too much to do in this life.

I have too much to do.

I am only 27. I have 3 years to 30.

I have a lot of time.

Time is on my side.

11:00 PM

10:45 p.m.

I feel sick today. I saw too much gore. How the f*** did they put such a disgusting scene on tv? It is sickening. I saw that woman tortured, her fingernails taken off..

The worst thing, was the way she tried to escape. It was so bloody. It was disgusting.

11:00 PM (b)

11:00 p.m.

It is sickening.

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I cannot stand for the cruelty of killing a cow, it is the most disgusting thing ever, but I like brisket.

11:00 PM (c)

11:00 p.m.

(b)

I feel disgusted, I feel like I want to throw up. I feel like I am going to be sick. These depictions of torture, Jesus f***ing Christ. This tv show Gangs of London... ughh yuck..

My head is aching.

11:00 PM (d)

11:00 p.m.

(c)

I need to 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. I hate this life. I Googled "logging" to make sure my English is correct, I saw photos of trees cut down, I thought of Upali Dharmadasa uncle, he does lumber, I thought of his feet being amputated.

There is something wrong with me right now.

Something is wrong.

I am not feeling okay.

I must be in shock right now.

It is disgusting. I need to get that s*** off my head. It was just so disgusting. It looked real. It looked too real.

11:15 PM

11:00 p.m.

(d)

I saw online, a lot of people were shocked by it. I think I have recovered from it. I think the last time I was shocked, was the eye popping scene in the Mountain versus the viper or something ("You raped her, you killed guy") in Game of Thrones.

I showed that to my mum. She was shocked. So, she started screaming, "You are sick! You need help! You are sick!!"

* This was a joke that I came up with, that Dr Sameera De Alwis copied from me and claims he started first. *

Hahahaha

Yes, yes, yes..

"I am sick".

Tell me something I do not know

I think she is reading this, so she will not watch it.

I saw a spoiler on YouTube. This guy, I saw there is a major spoiler I will not write.

It is interesting.

I love the British.

I f***ing love England.

They are just like me.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/11687678/gangs-of-london-torture-teeth-spoon/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-8330143/Gangs-London-violent-British-TV-113-deaths-series.html

https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/5667637/gangs-of-london-marian-torture/

11:15 PM (b)

11:15 p.m.

I just love how I just micro traumatised, (secondary vicarious traumatization) by watching this S01 E06 Gangs of London torture scene and all I can think of:

* How am I going to show this to my mum? *

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11:30 PM

11:30 p.m.

I think,

I think there is a special place in hell for me.

It is called, "The CEO's Room".

Duh!

Where else would I work from, stupid?!

11:30 PM (b)

11:30 p.m.

(b)

I need to show my mum this scene in Gangs of London. I do not think it is worth my time. When she sees the blood, she will look away. She will not see the whole thing.

I need to pretend like, "Omg Ammi, this is a terrible scene, I feel so bad. I do not like this!"

Ooh

Better yet

I can show:

Bhante Saranapala

Hee hee hee

11:30 PM (c)

11:30 p.m.

(c)

I am getting sleepy. I wonder how my dog Lucy will react to seeing torture and stuff. She has died.

I wonder how animals react to this stuff.

I do not care.

This stuff is getting boring now.

I am getting sleepy.

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That was awful

I do not know why people do those kinds of things..

I am happy these sorts of things are portrayed.

It makes it not seem like a big deal.

Then those things do not happen in real life.

I am quite saddened by all of this stuff.

...

I do not know.

I should not compare myself to the devil, I am not the devil.

I still feel a bit rushy. My adrenaline was jumping. I think if my dog saw it, she would feel scared too.

It is something that happens.

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It is hard to believe it, but it happened.

11:45 PM

11:45 p.m.

I saw that woman get tortured, and though I knew it was a tv show, I felt for her. She was hanging like Jesus Christ. I do not believe I would let that kind of thing happen. It is best to prevent these things.

I think that if any of my friends did bad things, it is because they were tricked into doing it.

12:15 AM

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

12:00 a.m.

I remember I introduced Tamir Pardo, oops * I should not say that part, did not meet Tamir or speak to him, yet *

I remember I introduced Yossi Applebaum to Thilanga uncle on WhatsApp. Yossi is a cool guy, he is friends with Suresh Wijesinghe at Connex IT cause they represent Sepio Systems as the distributor.

Suresh should try intro Tamir to Thilanga uncle or me one day, I have RFPs for him...

Yossi, I told Thilanga uncle, "listen, I want the Tavors, I want the f***ing Tavors. I love the bullpup design. I played Call of Duty, these guns are great. In Metal Gear Solid Snake Phantom Pain, the gun sprays a bit too much, it sort of is not accurate in sustained fire".

Thilanga uncle did not say anything. He kept quiet. I do not know what the f*** happened.

Yossi.. I wanted to get some MP5s or MP7s, I heard they make those, and the Deagle in Israel!

I think my bodyguards need the P90 or the MP5. I hear the MP7 is not as good.

Didn't Heckler and Koch make the MP7?

Yes, they did..

Hmm..

Whatever.

I think that I just want the self loading Howitzers. I think "My Best Friend" can get that done nicely..

Hello "My Best Friend"! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Who's my best friend? Yes, you are -- yes, you xoxoxo !!

12:15 a.m.

"I was the only one who was ever there for you!"

"Give me the money!"

Hee hee hee

I am getting sleepy. I did not take my Mirtazapine yet, as well. I think my mum knocked on my door, I was wondering whether, "Deepa has decided to give back the ██████ 20b", but no, my mum just wanted to give me money.

12:30 a.m.

I am so sleepy now.

I am feeling tired. I should watch another MasterClass after Gangs of London. I am having a great time. There is no other better time to be alive, than now.

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I wonder why Thilanga uncle has not gotten a call from Gotabaya about me, yet..

There is a lot of stuff I have to do, beneficial to him. We both hate the same people, and an enemy of an enemy, is ipso facto my friend.

12:45 a.m.

I do not believe I will get along with the UNP politicians. They are not my type. We will not be friends. It is better for me to follow Thilanga uncle, maybe be a bit myself, but whatever, I do not need these politicians. I want the top guys in the US.

1:00 a.m.

I am watching Gangs of London season 1 episode 7. I think any form of killing is disgusting. It is always better to try and avoid it. It is just that in Israel, there is no choice, you have religious extremists looking to hurt innocent Jewish civilians.

1:00 a.m.

(b)

I am falling asleep while awake. I am going to nap, after doing 5 minutes on my Dave Goldberg Machine (elliptical machine). I like to honour the memory of people who helped our Sinhalese like Chamath

I thought of something else. I cannot remember. I am getting sleepy. I think the more socially liberal, the better. People like me are so cool. We are just so open and friendly and good--everyone is talking about it.

1:30 a.m.

Add. Joke. Tamir rhymes with Tavor

Tamir Favors Tavors for Christmas Gifts -- and he is Jewish!

I felt nothing.

I am just kidding.

I am so sleepy now.

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I need to come up with a "Plan to help Muslims integrate fully", I love them to death.

I was thinking a joke, just imagine Larry King is doing an interview with Muammar Gaddafi and suddenly says, "I am Jewish", I do not know what would happen.

Would Gaddafi run away? He would look at him suspiciously. But I think he knew. He was not fully evil. Nobody is. People go down the wrong path, you must help them out.

1:30 a.m.

(b)

Muslims are beautiful. They are a great, good people. I have treated them poorly. I have not been cool.

I must make amends. I must try to help them. I love them.

███████ did nothing to me.

I am scared I am becoming a c***.

I am getting paranoid.

It is not fair.

I must protect people. It was wrong of me to be nasty to innocent people.

I have creative, ingenious new innovative ideas to help the Muslims.

1:45 a.m.

I know there is some sort of malfunction in my mind. There is some kind of poison. It is hate. I hate too much.

I need to recover. I need to be a good person.

I will give ███████ Rs 20m LKR. This will be a start. I will be kind to her.

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1:45 a.m.

(b)

I love that infamous scene in Star Wars where Obi Wan has high ground and cuts Anakin Skywalker's legs off.

Anakin looks at him, with rage in his eyes, he says, "I hate you"!

https://youtu.be/v_YozYt8l-g

This is the evil I have in me.

This is what i must fix.

2:00 a.m.

I joke about a lot of things. I think that QAnon is a joke because it is hilarious. But people believe that stuff.

Hahaha how can anyone say, "the world is run by an elite cabal of cannibalistic pedophilia Satanists" without laughing--this just started as a joke some kid made while drunk, they said it again and again, and then started saying it seriously.