Ritual Violence Fantasies, Heat Rage, and Election-Night Drift

November 1, 2020 Lehan Edirisinghe

I spent the day stuck between heat rage, broken air-conditioning, handbook work, election drift, dream residue, and darker fantasy loops, with all of it making the day feel far more volatile than the admin surface suggests.

Asking Shanika and Puthula to Make Something

Shanika Ammi, Puthula akki, ( Shanil Butter Boutique) please make these for me.. thanks.

Condemning Exploitation in Education

Issue:

Is this lascivious behavior wrong?

Rule:

It's the oldest profession

Application:

███████████████████████████████████ It seems this isn't the first and won't be the last. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

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https://youtu.be/ETxmCCsMoD0

Conclusion:

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Calling Scotch Whisky Sean Connery’s Secret to Long Life

"Secret to living long: Scotch Whisky" First James Bond, an undercover Scotsman.

Exclaiming That the Aliens Are Here

Om f***ing G-d. The moment is here. Aliens!

Reasoning That Carbon-Based Intelligence Means Aliens Exist

Okay so if we're also carbon, and we're like smart, that means there's smart alien life out there too

Indecision, Editing Compulsions and Working Through the Night

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2020

2:00 a.m.

I have this big issue where I can never make my mind up about something. I can't make decisions. I can't decide on a flavour of ice cream. I can't order food off a menu. I can't order a drink. I can't choose what to watch or what to watch first. I definitely can't make my mind up about the US elections or even what is funny and whether it's too offensive or anything. I get stuck.

I noticed I'm very unique in this. I noticed 99% or everyone can easily make up their minds, I just can't, I think too much. I can't make up my mind on what company letterhead to use, ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It's driving me crazy. I can't make up my mind on anything.

2:15 a.m.

It's bothering me to share a video of a Comedy Central roast. I felt uneasy, but it was funny, but now, I feel unsettled by the Holocaust jokes. It's bothering me. It's f***ing with my conscience. That's the thing with me, I have that Scarface, Tony Montana doesn't kill women and children thing, I can't do "bad things".

It creates too much cognitive dissonance, the same kind that advertising/marketing creates. It messes me up too much. I don't feel happy, I feel too sick and I need to correct to adjust.

I write, post, delete, write, post, edit, edit, edit, delete, delete, delete, I don't have any power over my sense of correcting. It's like the Grammar Nazi thing, I can't stop it. I can't make up my mind on anything. It's like ambivalence. It's like quantum computing. I'm 1 and 0 at the same time.

4:15 a.m.

Oh oh. I work too hard. It's getting late. I need to take my Mirtazapine. It's the only way I can sleep at night. I think they're gonna fix my air conditioning tomorrow. My eyes are hurting, I was typing and doing a lot of work today. I work really hard.

5:30 a.m.

I'm really tired. I'm going to sleep soon. I stay up till the next day doing work. I'm so exhausted. I picked a very difficult job, at a very difficult company, in a very difficult industry, in a very difficult country in a very difficult time.

6:00 a.m.

I'm going to sleep soon. I'm so tired and bored. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It's a temporary problem. █████████████████████████████████████████████████

I was stressing out over a letterhead for a few days straight. I can't make up my mind about it. It's so challenging. I'll look at it again when I wake up. I think the curfew is lifted tomorrow, it's important to get my haircut as well. I'm so tired.

8:00 p.m.

I'm watching Upload (2020) TV show. I love it. I love the ideas. It's so modern and futuristic. I believe in the future, the human mind, and human consciousness, it will be connected to computers, and then, uploaded.

8:30 p.m.

I think my mum made prawn burgers or something for dinner. I didn't have breakfast. I had a bad lunch, the chicken was okay. I don't like prawns. They don't taste so good. I like crab and lobster and cuttlefish and squid and octopus. And I love sashimi and sushi.

I'm getting a bit sleepy. They can't visit to fix my air conditioning. I think I'll need to sleep in the living room, where a lot of mosquitoes will bite me. I might move a mattress to my sister's room and sleep on the floor or something.