MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2020
2:00 a.m.
I have this big issue where I can never make my mind up about something. I can't make decisions. I can't decide on a flavour of ice cream. I can't order food off a menu. I can't order a drink. I can't choose what to watch or what to watch first. I definitely can't make my mind up about the US elections or even what is funny and whether it's too offensive or anything. I get stuck.
I noticed I'm very unique in this. I noticed 99% or everyone can easily make up their minds, I just can't, I think too much. I can't make up my mind on what company letterhead to use, ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It's driving me crazy. I can't make up my mind on anything.
2:15 a.m.
It's bothering me to share a video of a Comedy Central roast. I felt uneasy, but it was funny, but now, I feel unsettled by the Holocaust jokes. It's bothering me. It's f***ing with my conscience. That's the thing with me, I have that Scarface, Tony Montana doesn't kill women and children thing, I can't do "bad things".
It creates too much cognitive dissonance, the same kind that advertising/marketing creates. It messes me up too much. I don't feel happy, I feel too sick and I need to correct to adjust.
I write, post, delete, write, post, edit, edit, edit, delete, delete, delete, I don't have any power over my sense of correcting. It's like the Grammar Nazi thing, I can't stop it. I can't make up my mind on anything. It's like ambivalence. It's like quantum computing. I'm 1 and 0 at the same time.
4:15 a.m.
Oh oh. I work too hard. It's getting late. I need to take my Mirtazapine. It's the only way I can sleep at night. I think they're gonna fix my air conditioning tomorrow. My eyes are hurting, I was typing and doing a lot of work today. I work really hard.
5:30 a.m.
I'm really tired. I'm going to sleep soon. I stay up till the next day doing work. I'm so exhausted. I picked a very difficult job, at a very difficult company, in a very difficult industry, in a very difficult country in a very difficult time.
6:00 a.m.
I'm going to sleep soon. I'm so tired and bored. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It's a temporary problem. █████████████████████████████████████████████████
I was stressing out over a letterhead for a few days straight. I can't make up my mind about it. It's so challenging. I'll look at it again when I wake up. I think the curfew is lifted tomorrow, it's important to get my haircut as well. I'm so tired.
8:00 p.m.
I'm watching Upload (2020) TV show. I love it. I love the ideas. It's so modern and futuristic. I believe in the future, the human mind, and human consciousness, it will be connected to computers, and then, uploaded.
8:30 p.m.
I think my mum made prawn burgers or something for dinner. I didn't have breakfast. I had a bad lunch, the chicken was okay. I don't like prawns. They don't taste so good. I like crab and lobster and cuttlefish and squid and octopus. And I love sashimi and sushi.
I'm getting a bit sleepy. They can't visit to fix my air conditioning. I think I'll need to sleep in the living room, where a lot of mosquitoes will bite me. I might move a mattress to my sister's room and sleep on the floor or something.
