Explaining Complex PTSD While Planning to Give the Writing Away

5:30 p.m.

I sent my home security officer Weerasena Weerasena to go pay my phone bill. In Singapore, I had a prestigious 8 digit phone number with many numbers repeated and many auspicious number 8s. However, I was often depressed, I would call Jagath Sumathipala mami, Ammi, Lal Loku Thathi and many friends in Sri Lanka. The phone bill was often $400 USD/ SGD per month! I learned to be more careful with money.

The medical bills in Singapore were about $500/ month as well, as I bought branded Remeron instead of the generic Mirtazapine which is cheaper. Sometimes the consultation fees would go above $1,000 dollars a month with Dr Joshua Kua! I have copies of the medical bills at Raffles Hospital, as it is very high at $1000+!

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When I used to do tests, I would do well. I did fantastic in school tests. This is a bit strange, so i will write the next part clearly to avoid confusing you. So, in the British curriculum, there is a Edexcel program. This culminates in Ordinary Levels and Advanced Levels-- also known more popularly as O Levels and A Levels. When you do A Levels, there is a concept known as "predicted grades". This is calculated based on your school tests. This predicted grade is used when applying for universities or placements at universities. You might get a conditional offer for a university program or degree based on this. Some universities, offer conditional placement if As are predicted, but will still accept you if you get Bs or Cs.

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Doctors in Sri Lanka are not as well trained as British or American doctors, just as our companies, healthcare, education, government and all facets are not as competitive as the developed world equivalent. The judicial system, the military, the police, these things are more advanced in the developed countries. America's military can destroy Sri Lanka within minutes. A Singapore court case takes hours to process what Sri Lanka courts will take many years, decades and may even never finish processing, or worse, never complete processing properly, impartially and fairly in SL at all for anyone. The police force in Singapore is more proficient in law enforcement than Sri Lanka's. This is a fact. These are facts.

The doctors did not know what PTSD is, so they could treat me in Sri Lanka. It could be that in a country that underwent a civil war of 25 years which cost 40,000 lives and a violent communist uprising that cost 60,000 lives and there is still a lot of persistent crime -- these things did not seem important to doctors.

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My grades in school tests were splendid because although I did not attend school, with less than 10% attendance, my school teachers like Asita Amarasinghe and Sarah Nazeem lovingly taught me in their homes. They went out of their way, they went over and beyond, they came through. They were the angels G-d sent, they gave me the chance to learn. I did miraculously in O Levels with 10% attendance or less, I got A for Economics. I got A for Biology. As and Bs. It was a miracle.

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In Singapore, same story. But I had recovered partially. My grades were terrible. I got Bs and Cs and Ds. I failed Financial Accounting. So, I took a step back, and realised I needed help. I spent $120 per hour learning from my friend Valerie Chai. She was super smart. I think maybe 5 hours per month, I got her to teach me the hard parts. This resulted in my grades improving to As and Bs. I got the highest scores for Business Law, with above 80% on first attempt, a notoriously difficult topic. I am proud I was able to make it work. I love my friends. I will survive and I will succeed.

6:15 p.m.

I watched Evita with Madonna. I did not particularly like it, it felt hatefully satirical of Evita Peron. I do not love musicals. I like to watch once, like a movie, then it is done. I like Hamilton, but I can only watch once. I like some of the songs, but not really, I get fed up, I grow sick and tired of these. I will not recommend Evita, it is like a 4 out of 10.

I had some Thai food for lunch. I had no breakfast. I ate some dehydrated, or dried apples which Anoja Chandratilleke sent me from Australia. It is nice, it is like jack fruit. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

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6:30 p.m.

I just like to do what is "right". This way, you feel safe, there is no regret.

To regret is to be in hell.

Some choices, some decisions, it is harder, you must compromise, you must make tough choices.

With the civil war, it was an embarrassment. I feel ashamed that my Sinhalese acted wickedly, fighting over an official language is incredibly stupid.

It is a joke.

I saw this QAnon people, I regret laughing when they claimed, "the world is run by Satanic, child pedophilic cannibalistic elite cabal".

I regret more, that I will even pretend it is true because I think the stupidity is funny.

I will be serious next time.

There are people who genuinely believe conspiracy theories.

Some guy packed a van with explosives in the US, then set it off.

I look at Trump, knowing how clever he is, I actually believe he is just playing a big joke on people. I believe Trump is an actor.

He is just enjoying himself.

I do not believe they are serious.

I look at the KKK, I do not believe they are serious, I believe they are just pretending, they think it is cool.

But they are not. Despite my hopeful beliefs, I know they are serious. Trump is seriously that way.

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I regret nothing.

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6:45 p.m.

I am watching Annie Leibovitz doing a fantastic MasterClass on Photography. I do not love it, I do not like it, but I am learning how to take better photos as an inarguably handsome but scrawny and infamously peaky young man.

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6:45 p.m.

(b)

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7:00 p.m.

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7:00 p.m.

(b)

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7:45 p.m.

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Yes Martinn uncle, we are all feeling hungry because of the durian fruits you post share on Facebook :p You never took me to eat durian!

8:00 p.m.

This MasterClass by Annie Leibovitz is really good, very meaningful--she is a cool person. I need to buy a good camera and take beautiful photographs too.

I remember in Singapore, I was about 11 or 12, I got a Kodak camera, my dad took us to the Singapore Zoo, I took a lot of photos, I took pictures of the insects, I took pictures of the big wild animals, the marine life, like ███████ I took pictures of the birds, etc.

I miss my Thathi.

I do not like to gamble, so I cannot put my name in the hat, but I will very much look forward to reading this book, Sir! You are doing an amazing service, I love how open you are, you are humble despite putting out volumes and many, many papers of innovation! G-d bless you! :)

8:30 p.m.

I thought of some very innovative idea, then I just forgot it. I am trying hard to remember it.

I also thought, the book I write will be amazing. It will have Adam Grant psychological references. It will have many references. I will give-

I remember.

It was something to do with charity.

I forgot again.

F***.

I cannot remember it.

It was a clever idea.

Oh yes, I remember!

I was thinking of Martinn uncle, who is Chinese, I was thinking that, with the way technology has evolved, we are moving away from paying for anything.

The next thing will be like China's social merit point system, people will be valued by social merit points, this will be the new currency, the new net worth.

This lady Annie Leibovitz, her MasterClass, movies made by Hollywood, I do not know if everyone will pay for it. Why pay $100 when you can get for free?

The next thing will be people show respect.

The whole business world, it is unfair. Some people work hard in the beginning, take risks, succeed, earn a lot, everyone else is a deprived worker who must barely survive, unable to care for their family.

I will not charge any money for any work I do. For cyber security, yes, because I must pay people, but for things I write, I just want to earn a victory for the people who read it, I want them to feel happier having read what I write, I want them to be more successful.

Any money from what I write will be given to charities.

Friday, January 29th, 2021

12:30 a.m.

I am feeling sleepy. I took 45 mg of Mirtazapine.

I did 5 minutes on the elliptical machine.

I am watching a conspiracy documentary on Adolf Hitler, regarding his possible escape.

I also find it hard to accept he died as Josef Mengele escaped too-I stopped watching documentary halfway, I do not care.

I have eaten Thai food. I love the chilli paste. I do not remember which restaurant it is from. It is delicious.

I enjoyed some dehydrated or dried apples which Anoja Chandratilleke aunty sent me from Australia.

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I finished watching a MasterClass by Annie Lebovitz on photography. She has taken many wonderful photographs: Arnold, DiCaprio and many celebs.

Annie had a man painted nude pose in New York City's famous Times Square -- which she photographed. She loves her conceptual work for Life Magazine more than Rolling Stones--she teaches photography well.

I love her work on Playboy with "Jerry Hall in 1985", I am not interested in Suzanne Somers though.

I do not really care about her MasterClass, it is a 3 out of 10.

I remember there was a Playboy Mansion video game on Xbox magazine which I was excited by as an under 13 child, the nude bunnies had body paint too.

My dad saw this, so he confiscated my Xbox Magazine and teared off all the good stuff before returning it.

I will watch a MasterClass on writing next.

1:00 a.m.

Will sleep now. I am hungry. Want a slice of cheese.