Temple Noise, Hiring Stress, and a Long Reset

January 29, 2021

A loud sermon starts a tense day of sales study, interviews, hiring boundaries, coffee, exercise, burnout, and a late attempt to move from suspicion toward steadier judgment.

8:45 AM

8:30 a.m.

I woke up abruptly today. I do not know why. I was feeling jumpy. I had thoughts on Jit Warnakulasuriya and business -- and politics.

I could hear a Buddhist temple nearby loudly playing a live sermon on a loudspeaker. It disturbed my sleep. I worry it is disturbing our pet parrots too.

I pretend to be a Reformed Buddhist or a Reformed Christian, but honestly, I do whatever I wish, I make things up as I go.

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I will concede however, it is not a 'fair' evaluation. There are large demographics, it is not a justified yardstick to say, this guy represents them, this guy does not represent them.

Christianity has about 2.3b followers. There are many denominations. I claim to be "reformed Christian" now because I can always argue it is an easy way out of any limitations or restrictions.

I need to get my room soundproofed. I saw that if you attach towels to boards, it absorbs soundwaves. I do not know anything about it, but it will be a good idea.

I worry it can cause heat problems. The room might reach high temperatures.

9:00 AM

9:00 a.m.

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I do not believe people in SL know how to decide this. Thilanga uncle does not know how to decide this. Duminda Silva did not know how to decide when.

I am going to watch this MasterClass by Daniel Pink on Sales and Persuasion. It looks interesting. I saw an advertisement on Facebook.

I will eat some of the remaining Thai food in the fridge downstairs, drink some coffee and move on with my day. I am not happy, but I have come a long way.

12:15 PM

11:15 a.m.

I forgot I made myself instant coffee with 3 teaspoons of sugar. I think instant coffee is disgusting. It is no good at all. But it is better than water.

I am under stress. It is difficult to plan with many variables which change constantly. There are many factors at play.

I am a slow reader. I read terribly slow. I wish I could read faster.

I heard a rumour Stalin read 300 or 600 pages a day. I read 1 page in 1 minute, so, in 2 hours, I can read 120 pages. After 2 hours, I stop, I cannot read any more.

I need to still read some books.

I am thinking of a lot of things at once, so I like to write down, it helps me sort things out.

re: ███████

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re: Milan

I stopped contact with him. He works at Softlogic. He is not a significant active threat. He exceeds his allocation of our shared data our family are provided monthly.

re: Lal uncle

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re: Thilanga uncle

He is a product of Nalanda, a local school. He has his own unique strengths and character.

He is not a white, Ashkenazi Jewish Harvard MBA 75 year old, 33rd Scottish Rite Freemason, technology company CEO (like Jacques, substitute University of Antwerp, substitute CFO/ Director).

Thilanga uncle responded favourably to my mum's requests based on Jacques' efforts.

re: Business

There is a big problem. Cyber is not a small area. You are talking state actors, espionage, etc.

There are three vendors we partner led by (1) Mickos, (2) Ellis/ Gupta/ Clegg and (3) Kaplan/ Hyman.

The shareholders at Vendor3 are Singapore's SingTel's Innov8. The Singaporeans are clever, they work together. When their leader believes Thilanga uncle is a bad guy, they justify this too.

His team is challenging, and complex. There are significant barriers to effective communication, language included. I think a simple recommendation to speak with Jit Warnakulasuriya, who took down Sunday Leader webpages, is satisfactory.

Jit is perhaps friendly with Ranil Wickremasinghe and Malik Samarawickrama, who was in the Union Bank board of directors with him.

It is a bad idea, crazy even, if you have a big black mark in your history like this. However, in SL, it is a difficult country, with no rule of law. There is a mafia because there never was a rule of law. It is as simple as this.

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I am unsure. I think might even be able to do this with him just helping get the deal externally. There is no absolute need to involve him in the deal. He can just help us get these signed.

This is what is bothering me. It is on my mind. It is disadvantageous for me if Sheryl Sandberg or someone running a big US company sees Thilanga uncle's terrible Wikipedia.

Thilanga uncle has a terrible PR team. I luckily have Jonathan Hirshon as a friend, and he is the world's top 5 PR people! So, I do a great public relations campaign on an international standard. I just learn from him, I copy him, he is a cool guy, I am cold, but, I am in the process of becoming cool.

When people see me write that "Nanda Fernando, the Sampath Bank Managing Director was handing out calling cards without his number or email, but when he saw Lehan Edirisinghe, he immediately gave his WhatsApp, as Lehan's late dad founded the COYLE, a Sinhalese lobbying group" -- they believe I am god.

This story above, about Nanda, I should pay him a million dollars for this. When these guys running big US firms hear this story, they all imagine I am like the big guy in SL, even bigger than Gota!

Vendor1 also told me they need to do business with SL through Singapore. They fear the risks in SL are too great. Namely, a lack of a rule of law. The ease of doing business is No. 1 in SG, it is No. ~90 in SL, therefore, they will bet their name, lives and money in SG.

While I cannot push Vendor1, our friend in the US might be able to do so.

12:30 p.m.

I must get my lunch. I am hungry now. I like the chili paste, I hope it was put on my plate.

5:00 PM

4:15 p.m.

Wrote stuff, deleted.

4:30 p.m.

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I conducted an interview. This guy, I do not want to name, I do not know him, it is too stressful to build new relationships.

I prefer to avoid proceeding with him in our team. I do not feel happy to take on new teammates unless we can click, and this guy just does not click.

4:45 p.m.

I have a team, we have a plan, that is enough. There is no point hiring new people. The lucky 50 who got in, got lucky, the next people to be hired will mostly be foreign -- most likely.

If anyone, we might as well put up with and suffer Thilanga uncle as he is anyway my uncle and I care about his security, life and success. He is not a total piece of s***. He is a good man, at least now.

I might even be able to do this with us representing uncle Thilanga as a company official. This will also just work perfectly fine.

Even in California, not everyone is cool, only the liberal, tech savvy and cool people are cool. Everyone else is * Insert from my impressive vocabulary *.

5:00 p.m.

5:00 PM (b)

5:00 p.m.

(b)

5:15 PM

5:00 p.m.

(c)

I am happy the job applications are also restricted by us on Facebook. The 50 people we have are perfectly good enough to reach our intended outcomes within the scope we are focused on. There is no need for us to spend any attention risking new hires. The people we hire next, will be based solely on known referees.

5:15 PM (b)

5:15 p.m.

5:15 PM (c)

5:15 p.m.

(b)

If one of their people are hired, they will sign a NDA and our employment agreement, then they will not be told anything.

6:00 PM

6:00 p.m.

Could be i am hungry. I missed breakfast. I need to do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine soon. Just to get exercise. The endorphins will do a big help for me. They help boost mood.

It might be too much stress. I blocked this job interviewee on WhatsApp and the girl who recommended him. It is too much stress. I do not know these guys. We might as well stick with people we know.

Plus, me dealing with vendors and Thilanga uncle handling SL decision makers is perfect for me. Less stressful. Helps everyone involved.

After ███████, I do not feel safe hiring new people. I do not trust people now. I feel comfortable with the existing team. I do not care if any of them leave.

6:45 PM

6:15 p.m.

I should get some exercise. It could be lack of exercise. I was doing too much work for a couple of weeks at a stretch. I should just get some physical exercise. It was all mental work. This must be burn out.

It could be burn out. It could be anxiety. It could be too much coffee and caffeine. It could be too much thinking about the Holocaust as it was gloomy stuff.

It was Holocaust memorial day yesterday. It was something that happened. I have too much empathy. It hurts. I feel too much. I feel too much for the victims. I believe it happened, I was just wondering how Jewish people come to terms with this grief.

The sun will shine tomorrow! I remember I was once depressed in the UK a long time ago. Jamie Mollart commented to go get sunshine. So, I did. I felt better.

I should stop obsessing over dark stuff so much. Not everyone is like ███. Plus ███████ did not do anything. Not everyone is ███.

I feel better. But it is quite shameful to compare myself to ETI Finance victims. I feel slightly better. I have so much light to shine on this world.

6:30 p.m.

In the song, Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Öyster Cult, it is about how you are one with death when you die and therefore you must not be afraid. I am one with light.

I will honour Prabhakaran's family and the Tamil people. I will help them out. I will undo and right the unforgivable, unrightable wrong.

I do not need anything to happen to ███. He is cursed. The curse of a 40,000 casualties, the curse of a 2,800 families████████████████████. G-d will give justice.

This ███████ is innocent. It is okay if she betrayed me. It is most likely one bad experience with ███ has shaped my views on SL and all people. It is not true.

Not all people are like Lal. Not everyone in SL is like Lal. Not everyone is unworthy, looking to betray you. There are a lot of great people and friends.

7:00 PM

6:45 p.m.

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I looked at ███████ in a bad way. I felt scared. I am a terrible racist. I cannot look at everyone like they are Lal and Deepa -- this is not fair to people in SL or anywhere.

6:45 p.m.

(b)

I suspect a lot of people. I just cannot keep friendships. I think it is because I just cannot trust anybody.

I would feel comfortable with this as I never lie. I have no problems, i prefer it because I like to be real.

7:00 p.m.

I do not know. Maybe I might be in a slump. Too much negative stuff. Jeez, what can get worse than the damned Holocaust! I was reading Anne Frank and another girl called Rywka's diaries, hehe, it is dark.

It is hard to imagine such a cruel thing happened. This whole world is such a terrible place. I do not know. I should stop thinking so negatively. I am usually such a positive, fun person.

I do not know about this Prabhakaran thing. It is probably just some guilt complex. Thinking of being a hero. It is not true. We do not need them back in SL.

I do not know. I somehow care for them. It feels like whites and black slaves. It feels like Germans and the victims. They understood, they embraced.

7:00 PM (b)

It is cognitive dissonance for many to read the old, and adopt the new, myself included. It sounds so right, but is it PC? Is it practical?

7:15 PM

7:00 p.m.

(b)

7:15 p.m.

People in SL are great. I love Sri Lankans more than the Indians! It is like Singaporeans versus the Chinese! I am happy with this great opportunity. I think the only real shortcoming is my mother is not seriously asserting enough for my success. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

7:30 PM

7:30 p.m.

I feel a lot better now! I was wondering what the f*** was wrong with me! Jesus f***ing Christ. I get so bogged down. Jeez. I mean, maybe thinking of a million kids getting murdered is pretty emotionally taxing. I should live with it. It was in the past. It is not likely it will happen again, but only when we stop Iran and save their innocent people from terrorism!

7:45 PM

7:30 p.m.

(b)

I think everyone, all of my friends, they know, that if I can be friends with the cool friends like the two people I admire most - - I will unfriend everyone else. They are just all pieces of s*** in comparison! I do not care about this guy who applied for a job, I do not know him and I honestly do not want to know him.

I think Lal is facing justice. I do not wish to betray ███████ any further. It is wrong. I misfired on her. She was an innocent party. She is not like Lal. She did not betray us. This whole drama about not trusting people. It is just based on Lal. It was wrong. She made minor circumstantial inaccuracies, mistakes or blunders only.

I should just forget this ███████. It is a burnt bridge. No need to drag it on. She and I did not click, I tried to help, it was too forced, I regret it. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

7:45 PM (b)

7:45 p.m.

G-d has come down upon Mount Zion, the clouded hill, and G-d has saideth unto me:

"Lehan, Jacques is so old. He is 75. It is his birthday on 5th of February. So, go and wish him. Remember to pay him with another bottle of Port which you stole wickedly from Jorge Nunes. I mean, "borrowed".

Just like last time, Jacques will work for free because of a bottle of Port. This is his character! This time, give him the 20 year old bottle, he is still seething you have given him a 12 year old bottle.

* Please do not "be yourself" and greedily, enviously steal his gifted Port for yourself, like you did last time *

Just kidding, Jacques is helping you out as a masonic brother -- he and Jonathan are your only real friends.

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8:15 PM

8:15 p.m.

I need to get a shower. I sweat with just the fan. I feel comfy in my duvet or blanket.

There was a huge mosquito aggressively trying to get inside the mosquito net.

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8:30 PM

8:30 p.m.

I think some of my jokes are repeated. I do not find them funny any more. I am getting terribly bored. I am hungry.

I should do 5 minutes on the elliptical machine, dump clothes in laundry bin and then go take a shower.

I am feeling hot.

I think I only write for entertainment and for humour. It is not true what I write. It is all lies. I never tell the truth.

8:45 PM

8:30 p.m.

(b)

I did not "wickedly steal" Port from Jorge Nunes. I planned with cousin Koshi to show samples of port to restaurant owners. They all cancelled. Harry Jayawardena's top people at Periceyl said it is a slow moving product--therefore difficult.

8:45 PM (b)

8:45 p.m.

I think for the Port, we need to tell a story on behalf of Jorge Nunes. This is my favourite British person after PAIGE PHILLIPS, Brother Churchill's favourite Port!

9:00 PM

9:00 p.m.

When I copy pasted ██████████████' name, it was in caps lock. So, this is why it was in block capital.

I am getting sleepy now.

Remember that tragic lady, the beggarwoman in Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street?

She would be saying, "mischief, mischief, mischief!" if she saw what I was writing.

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I do not like it.

11:30 PM

11:15 p.m.

I was thinking about some jokes. I forgot them. I remembered I was in Singapore when Mahinda Samarasinghe's son Sean came. We were in the hotel, and we had earplugs because the F1 formula one race cars were so loud. We went for a walk, we did not █████████████████ we bought shoes, etc. He is a cool kid, he just made one serious blunder in telling everyone that he started smoking Parliament cigarettes first.

This is simply not true. I resent him for it. Everyone seems to copy me all the time. I start walking down the street with my hands in my pants, people see me, they think *Omg he is soo cool* and then they all start walking down the road with their own hands in their pants like me. Everyone wants to be me. I hate it. It is so annoying. It is like how after Peaky Blinders came out, everyone in England tried to get that haircut. It is really crazy. I think Sean is a white skin, so he has no chance of politics after he dad retires.

Unless he starts telling everyone, starting with one of his friends I do not wish to name whose initials are I. D., who also now claims "he started smoking Parliament cigarettes -- and told Sean", I will never let him join my future cabinet, ever.

I am getting sleepy now. I have to wake up in the morning at 8 a.m. to go to a Buddhist event with Thilanga uncle and his Hit-Tu-Wak-Kara (a Sinhalese word which means arrogant) fake friend Sandalal. They need to get me my big cyber deals. I will say, "Theruwan Saranai" to these guys tomorrow morning which means, "may the blessings of the noble triple gems be with you: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha".

12:45 AM

Saturday, January 30th, 2021

12:30 a.m.

There are a lot of things to do for SL. We gotta speed up the judicial system. Reform the education and health. It is a lot of work. Right now, it is a third world, undeveloped country sadly. We can still be a first world nation one day.

There is a lot of corruption and the ease of doing business is abysmally low. It is terrible. There is a lack of business leadership. SL has given up on the US, SL leaders wish to partner with China, Russia and dangerous Iran. I hope my work builds this weakpoint up, as I love the US, UK, AU, SG, IL, NZ, CA, etc. Our cyber business will act towards bringing all nations together over a common cause. My being open about business, I hope it helps celebrate business, instead of hiding all aspects of business as though it is a crime to do business or succeed.

There is a severe deficit in business leadership. The single biggest weakness being a low emphasis on values such as integrity or excellence. There is instead an alternative focus on personality. This should be replaced by building institutions that outlast the creator and do not depend precariously upon individual personalities like Lee Kuan Yew's grandson advised at LKY's eulogy.

I am thinking about my cyber business. It is good because we have powerful allies. We need to sign our agreements while it is possible to do so. I am somewhat disappointed. Many of my relatives have very arcane, undeveloped social views: they hate homosexuals, they refuse to discuss responsibilities, distrust foreigners, refuse to talk about interesting areas, etc. I am disappointed, but I am happy I can try to normalise things, so we can move forward.

Nobody in SL is happy with my saying "we should be cool to Prabhakaran". People in SL believe the LTTE were terrorists. There is no history books like we had on the Holocaust and the causes of it. There are lies taught to kids that the LTTE were wicked, they started a fight, they wanted to steal SL for themselves-instead of we forgot to care for our minorities.

1:00 AM

1:00 a.m.

I am getting sleepy. I need to sleep to wake up for this less important Buddhist event which I am not interested in attending.

I do not read the newspapers or news in SL because the quality is too low. There is no real analysis, no critical thinking, no cooperation, no accountability, no problem solving, etc. It is just horrifying. It is all so sad. There is no leadership to progress things rapidly.

It is not like we have a Larry King. We do not have a Howard Stern. We do not have a David Rubenstein. There is no real analysis by any newspapers on any of our national strategies. Things like ███████████ are taboo, they are hidden. It is a third world country where a lot of bad things happen to innocent people.

If you speak to a person in SL, they most likely will not discuss anything I write about regularly. They do not know about the civil war, about the minorities, about the communist uprising, no clue on health, judiciary, policing, solving problems, nothing!

1:15 AM

1:00 a.m.

(b)

I fear it is a combination that caused SL to fall into this situation.

Number One: there is no rule of law. There is a significant mafia or underworld, as people feel violence and crime offers some justice, as opposed to no justice at all. It is the simple truth. The first five minutes of The Godfather are the most truthful. The court cases take years to process and most fail. It is disastrous. I hope we can do more regarding this, as it will result in curbing dramatically the terribly high crime rate.

Number Two: Health and education is terrible. If Jonathan Hirshon comes to SL in August 2021, if there is a health problem, going to the hospital is dangerous. It does not matter who you are. It is a hell. You can be tortured badly, cut up like Tharaka's dad, then killed. This is like a nightmarish African *Trump's adjective inserted here!* It is appalling, ghastly even. When people are not educated properly, they do not care about quality or excellence. It seems I am a rare find in SL who even wishes to see SL as number one! I was at Sampath Bank, their IT security manager Thushara Jayathunga told me they will take a very long time to be a tier one bank sarcastically, when I suggested we try to reach this height.

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There was reported rape of Tamil soldiers. This is distressing. I remember my cousins joke about getting raped in the streets and even my uncle Thilanga laughing about how my sister might be picked up and raped as people do not know who she is. We need to work on this somehow. It is horrific.

1:30 AM

1:15 a.m.

I love how the Jewish people are mature. I love how, even as a young persecuted girl, my inspiring hero, Anne Frank, just a teenager who knew the Germans were coming to kill her, she wrote about sex. This is a simple act of charity. It helped people accept it. It was because of Howard Stern and many people, people like Joseph Gordon Levitt in Don Jon, or Marlon Brando and Johnny Depp in Don Juan DeMarco, or my own Jewish doctor Trevor Friedman who helped people accept it. A long time ago, King David, has sex with Bathsheba, then kills Uriah. It is a disgusting act of betrayal. However, Jacques taught me, it was something that happened in those times, a long time ago. It is all added up, it made it normal. I feel overpowered in SL. I feel I cannot really make any improvements, I am outnumbered, I am overpowered by these guys who seem fixated in keeping things terrible!

I remember Dr Friedman, he and me, we had to talk about "talking to girls" because I was too scared to do it. I value his support. It is strange. Somehow, someone, I met for a few hours, a Nottingham University professor or lecturer, he had to help me with this kind of thing. I was terrified. I told Dr Friedman my dad "j█████████████████████████████" as a lie, instead of the truth,█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████" I was still scared. I was scared I would get hurt. I was uncomfortable talking about this stuff with him, I was embarrassed, I did not think sex was a topic worth talking about. He made me read a book by Melanie Fennel called, "Understanding and Overcoming Low Self Esteem". He and Dr Loumidis gave me many exercises and homework to do. When I read Melanie's book, I was distraught to learn some countries like SL, it is common for bad things to happen, child abuse is normal, it destroys a kid's self esteem and health. It is likely I will never really recover. This whole damn Captain's Log is an extensive suicide note! I tried to switch the topic off sex and avoid it when Dr Friedman interrogated me, I was embarrassed. It was painful, too many flashbacks of the child abuse. It was according to Dr Joshua Kua, a Pavlov's Dog syndrome, I thought ████████████, it causes some kind of bad thing to happen.

I told Dr Friedman about my ████████. He is super clever. I knew then the racist social theory that the Ashkenazi Jewish people were genetically more intelligent was true. Dr Friedman diagnosed Complex PTSD, he is a genius. Dr Kua diagnosed depression. I feel too hurt to reveal what the local SL doctors say. Dr Friedman, he told me about the "█████████████████████████████" or █████████, he was very clever. I invested in his expertise and care. It was my Marlon Brando as Dr. Jack Mickler. It was very critical in my life, it was the point when I suddenly understood what was wrong with me, why, and how I can recover.

1:30 a.m.

Heather Hailes-Granger, a kind lady, she did weekly therapy for me. It was pretty difficult, it hurt my academic performance as this stuff was intense, these were deep childhood wounds and I made a big deal about how█████████████████████████████████████████████████-and he died the next day, so I █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████I was blushing. It was terrible, she was a woman, which made it more embarrassing! I wanted to run out, I wanted to cry, I was ashamed, I wanted to hide behind the chair -- then tell her, so I did not have to look at her. She had a nice reed diffuser set in her room. I copied her. I told her bravely, I did it in my bathroom! It is terrible. Terrible. It is terrible. This stuff, it is disgusting, it is terrible.

2:00 AM